BY MATTHEW CORRIGAN

Ho ho ho everybody, it’s that bloody time of year again. So let’s crank up that karaoke machine and sing along with Slade shall we?

Are you ready for the Coca-Cola Truck
For pubs with signs that say you need to book
Are the supermarkets full of
Unnecessary tat
Does Black Friday make you behave like a twat

So here it comes bloody Christmas
Now the equinox has gone
Three months of madness
I’ll be glad when it’s all done

Has the council bought some cheap and nasty trees
‘Cause they think we want to join in with their wheeze
Has a nineties one-hit wonder
Turned the lights on in your town
Did the desperate performance make you frown

So here it comes bloody Christmas
As September breathes its last
Spring can’t come quick enough
I really can’t be ah-ah arsed

What are you gonna do when you have to queue ‘cause it’s full of arseholes
In the ba-ar

SCS can get a new sofa to you
Even though you know it will be fucked by June
Have you had enough of Bandaid
And the Pogues and Kirsty too
Have John Lewis adverts made you want to spew

Well here it comes bloody Christmas
From it there’ll be no respite
For the next three months it’s
The annual bag of shi-i-ite

[Repeat to fade]

Matthew Corrigan is a Country Squire Guest Writer and a superb author whose excellent novel OSPREY shines a satirical light on a dodgy politician with a flying wind turbine scam. His books can be found here