BY MATTHEW CORRIGAN

Statement from HM Government in response to the latest entirely predictable outrage:

Following last Monday’s horrific attacks in Berlin we have agreed a series of measures to tackle the ongoing terror threat. Immediately after the event a tough-sounding COBRA meeting was convened at which several of the geniuses present suggested airport security was not good enough. As usual, numerous knee-jerk proposals were put forward; chief among these was an idea to subject airline passengers to the standard idiotic questioning at the concourse entrance, rather than the check-in desks. Upon consideration, however, it was felt that this would, in fact, be of no use whatsoever, serving merely to change the location of tantalisingly vulnerable crowds. As we should prefer our continued removal of your liberty to at least have some effect, here is what we have decided to do instead:

A new pan-European agency is being created to vet all travellers. Three weeks prior to departure, travel plans must be submitted for approval. Considering how well HMRC, DVLA etc. manage data, we are confident there will be no difficulties. Once in receipt of an approval, airline passengers can expect the following (times given are examples only):

At 21:00hrs on the evening before your journey, two burly, MP5-toting coppers will arrive at your door to stand guard and ensure you adhere to the pre-flight curfew.

At 06:00hrs a team of sniffer dogs will be released into your home. The taking of breakfast will be forbidden in order to prevent confusing scents from interfering with their work. This is a bonus, as a little less bacon/sugar/salt/milk/whatever-the-fuck-we-think-of-this-week will be good for you and your family. Reasonably-priced food will be available onboard your aircraft.

Once cleared, you will be collected by a nice diesel-electric hybrid bus, which is good for the environment and will help offset the carbon emissions of your flight. You will then be taken to the airport under guard. Being public transport, the bus will of course be clean and punctual, and won’t ever get stuck in traffic or cause massive hold-ups. At the back of the vehicle will be a private area where a quack approved by “Our NHS” TM will ram a quick fist up your arse to ensure no explosives have been cached there.

The terrorists’ aim is to disrupt our way of life, so we want to ensure your experience remains a familiar one. For that reason, and to provide reassurance, there will still be a metal detector and an impudent prick from the cheapest private security company we could find to ask you whether or not you’ve packed your own suitcase. Once airside you may visit the duty-free lounge. On behalf of HM Government we hope you enjoy your holiday.

Doesn’t sound much fun, does it? Still, what’s the alternative – we can hardly expect our terminally useless politicians to take their collective fingers from out of their arses, have a look around and actually do something to try and stop these murderous, evil bastards from creating another pile of innocent corpses every three or four months, can we?

Matthew Corrigan is a Country Squire Guest Writer and a superb author whose excellent novel OSPREY shines a satirical light on a dodgy politician with a flying wind turbine scam. His books can be found here