BY SAM WHITE

In the interests of balance, I chose this week to open my mind to the liberal progressive cause, and learn about social justice.

Ready to be tutored by my liberal superiors, I’ve watched the bewildering, right-on bedlam being played out, seemingly unscripted and without any discernible purpose, by the zany, arsonist left. There was much to grapple with and it was terribly frightening, but I’ve been schooled well and am now ready to join the progressive struggle.

First there was the Women’s March. Here I learned  that gender equality is old hat. Feminism now is entangled with Islam, relaxed about Sharia law, and might even defend Saudi Arabia from time to time.

This confused me. In some Sharia enforcing countries punishment lashings are handed out by judges. Women can be sentenced to death for adultery. Homosexuality may be a capital offence.

It made no sense to me that these horrors could be defended, and by women’s rights campaigners of all people. I puzzled over how putting on a hijab for a day could represent equality, when in some places such garments are a tool by which a real patriarchy exerts control over women.

Thankfully, some old tweets from Women’s March organizer Linda Sarsour put me right. Amazingly, what Sharia law is really all about is interest free personal loans.

And as it happens, I just haven’t understood Sharia well enough. Apparently, if I dig a little deeper then the sexism, homophobia, imprisonment, whippings, and executions will all make sense.

In Berlin, a group of march participants even had a public ‘Allahu Akhbar’ chant. A surprise at first, but leftists know best. In fact, the ideal way to show dedication to the progressive cause right now would be to throw away your inhibitions, replace them with some controlling, theologically sanctioned ones, and enthusiastically convert to Islam.

Liberalism has allied with the illiberal. If we follow Linda Sarsour’s example, we should fight the patriarchy by being apologists for the most authoritarian patriarchies in the world. Anything to deal with manspreading, right?

Moving on, I discovered that although we’re engaged in a daily struggle to rid the world of injustice, it’s absolutely fine to punch people in the face. And I’m not just talking about the well documented attack on deeply unpleasant white nationalist Richard Spencer.

At a Women’s March in Edmonton, Canada, a male feminist appeared to punch a female reporter, before disappearing into a protective crowd of astonishingly sanguine third wavers. It takes a special kind of dedication to the feminist cause to actually punch women who don’t like post-modern gender theory, and this guy wasn’t going to shirk his progressive responsibilities.

He’s been charged now, but I’m sure that when the cops realize he’s just phenomenally selfless and liberal, he’ll be free to go and assault some more gender traitors.

And finally, there was social justice fop Ewan McGregor, who you may know for his excellent and inspiring Davidoff adverts. He was due to give an interview on ITV’s Good Morning Britain, but after arriving at the studio cancelled the whole thing in a fit of chivalrous pique because he didn’t like interviewer Piers Morgan’s way of thinking. Morgan had committed the sacrilegious transgression of making fun of the Women’s March the previous day.

McGregor has taught us all a constructive life lesson: do not listen to wrong opinions. You’ll know opinions are wrong when they’re different to your own, which, if you’re a good progressive, will always be right.

Should you be at all hesitant about the correctness of your own views, then you can use Meryl Streep or Mark Ruffalo as an ethical spirit level. Check their latest pronouncements, recalibrate your mind to be in alignment with their beautiful wisdom, and you’ll soon be back on track.

What a relief to know that by following McGregor’s example I’ll never have to waste my brain on bigoted wrongthink ever again, and that my pristine ideological bubble won’t get polluted by ungood hate speech.

Stick to this method, and you might even get a celebratory tweet from Brussels-loving scruff-buster Captain Jean-Luc Picard, a man whose unfeeling treatment at the hands of the Borg may have rendered him unusually vulnerable to groupthink.

Having taken in this carbon-friendly wealth of moral brilliance, I now feel very optimistic about the future. It’s clear that for Europe to avoid the tyranny of right wing populism, and for the Democrats— peace be upon them—to regain the White House, all we need do is embrace Sharia, punch people, and never, under any circumstances, speak to Piers Morgan.

Sam White is a writer for Country Squire Magazine and has written for The Spectator & Metropolis. Other Sam White articles can be found by using the search box below (just type in Sam White) and also by looking here.