BY SAM WHITE

It’s been a busy few months campaigning against democracy, and having achieved nothing I think I’ve earned a break. Actually I’m confused. I just don’t understand the abuse I get online. I dedicate my life to telling people they voted wrong and we shouldn’t do what they’ve chosen, and I get grief for it. Is it bad to remind Brexiteers that their hatred and bigotry have enabled a wave of hatred and bigotry? Don’t Tories want to know how evil and degenerate they are? And as for Trump, I clearly told Americans to vote for Hillary. Weren’t they listening?

And now my own lot have turned on me too. It’s so unexpected. All those weird extremists loved me when I backed Corbyn. But now I’ve had enough of him, they’ve gone all weird and extreme. Why are they being like that?

And even the normal lefties are having a go, just because it turns out Jezza isn’t very good at being Leader of the Opposition after all. They’re so ungrateful. If I hadn’t campaigned to get him in the job, we’d never have known he wasn’t up to it. Nobody could’ve predicted he wasn’t suitable. I mean, thousands of people I blocked on Twitter might’ve mentioned it, and all the journalists in England, and everyone who didn’t pay 20p to join the Labour Party, but come on, they’re all just vile, right wing trolls.

Anyway, I have to do some research. I’m on the BBC later and I must find something to get indignant and worked up about. Some of the people they get on to disagree with me have that, ‘we’re calm and brought some objective facts’ approach to discussion, but that’s bobbins. I’ll just get all agitated and act morally superior. A bit of smirking, huff and puff a bit, and I can always just storm off if they don’t think I’m right about everything.

What they don’t get is that they’re on the wrong side of history, so their facts don’t matter. I used to be sure the voters understood this, but in hate-filled Brexit Britain, rife with spiteful people being mean to me, I’m not so sure. All I hear these days is people talking about disgusting, fascist ideas like sovereignty, independence, and global trade.

But then, not everyone has my insight. I want to save the world, but how can I when the evil, right wing media is controlling everyone? We really need to get a grip on that. We should put Breitbart writers in, maybe, not prison, but… camps..? Could we do that, if we were in charge? I’ll ask Seamus. I’m sure he’ll say yes.

Still, for now I’ll stick with my usual debating formula: virtue, flounce, and a bit more virtue. If nothing else I must show that I’m a good person. Signal it, if you like. If I make it clear that we’re talking about morals, not politics, then anyone who disagrees will look like a thoroughly villainous type, and I’ll win. Then it’s a surge in the polls for Labour and a taxi home, what could go wrong?

Actually, I should use public transport. Look humble and all that. But I’m in London now, not Brexit country. And thank god for that, they’re a bunch of racists up there. I mean, hard working, Northern racists, whose honest determination I admire very much, despite their rampant xenophobia. Sometimes I wish I could be a proper Northern coal miner, with dirty hands and everything, but the reality is that my true vocation has chosen me. I am not a miner, but I will chip at the hard face of injustice with my nice, liberal pick.

That’s why I connect with the working class, I’m the same as them! Except for their vile bigotry and disgusting small mindedness, obviously. Why the fuck won’t they vote Labour? If we could just ban all right wing press and get the Brexit dimwits to read only our opinions, they’d have to vote for us. Maybe we could threaten them..? Will check with Seamus.

Back to my research though, and I’ve found some reports that are genuinely shocking. They’re all about Islamic extremism. They recount the sickening atrocities being committed around the world. The concert goers and cartoonists mowed down by gunmen in Paris. The trucks ploughed through crowds of innocents in Nice and Berlin. The victims in ISIS-held territories being raped and slaughtered. The suicide bombers, the burning cars, and the axe wielding murderers. I look at the carnage and the bloodshed, at the inhumanity, the barbarism, and the clearly encroaching danger, and the message is clear: I must write an article attacking Nigel Farage.

Sam White is a writer for Country Squire Magazine and has written for The Spectator & Metropolis. Other Sam White articles can be found by using the search box below (just type in Sam White) and also by looking here.