BY SAM WHITE

In response to last week’s terror attack in London, we saw a swift, strong, and efficiently targeted official response. It’s reassuring to know that our media and government are working in finely tuned coordination to protect us. The process has gone like clockwork, so let’s take a moment to reflect on how it works.

First, Criticism of Islam is cracked down on. This is necessary because, as always in cases of Islamist violence, it’s unconnected to Islam. Obviously, when someone makes the step from being a normal Muslim to being a Muslim who interprets their faith literally and kills people, they cease to be a Muslim. This means that Islamic violence is, by definition, non-Islamic. It’s a logical impossibility: Islamic violence doesn’t exist because Islam isn’t violent. In fact, the more violence that is committed in the name of Islam, the less violent Islam becomes.

Second, There will be strong statements from the authorities reassuring communities that they are safe and protected. Muslim communities, specifically. Everyone else, on the other hand, can refer back to Sadiq Khan’s words a few months ago on the subject of terror attacks:

“Part and parcel of living in a great, global city is you’ve got to be prepared for these things.” 

Extreme carnage? Get used to it, you’re in a great, global city! #VisitLondon.

Third, Attack the right wing. This means anybody who says either of the dreaded I-words: Isl*m or Imm*gr*tion. Such degenerates must be relentlessly bludgeoned with rhetoric and insults. We must not be fearful of terrorism, but we should be very, very afraid of Tommy Robinson, who often does frightening things like opening his mouth and sometimes even uses facts and figures which are true. Finger pointing and fear mongering are perfectly acceptable when directed toward the right, so don’t worry about breaching any hate crime regulations. They don’t apply to the left, because the left made them up.

Fourth, there will be a mass mobilisation of the people in response to these cowardly acts of violence. Virtuous, tolerant progressives who are willing to stand up and be counted will gather courageously. In numbers, with passion and solidarity in their hearts they will:

• Light candles.
• Project the flag on to the Brandenburg Gate.
• Hashtag tweets with #PrayForLondon.
• And, most important of all, yell ISLAMOPHOBE at anyone who breaks from the official narrative and starts slagging off the religion of peace.

Fifth, to emphasise that the attack is—has it been mentioned?—nothing to do with Islam, the media will focus on any other characteristic of the attacker besides his religion.

He is a British terrorist. A homegrown terrorist. A British-born, homegrown terrorist. A left-handed terrorist. A misunderstood terrorist who was called names and picked on when he was growing up. The Guardian will give away a free poster of the terrorist, and have a go at you for being murderphobic.

Overall, the central, driving theme which we must all internalise and obey is this: Not Islam. It’s just nothing to with Islam. So don’t read, speak, or think about Islam.

Repeat: IT’S NOT ISLAM. OK?

And with that self-evident and entirely common sense point made clear, please empty your mind of negative thoughts and return to your life of mindless tax slavery in the multi-cultural, rainbow utopia. Have some sushi.

Let us do the thinking for you. You’re not enlightened enough to understand the program anyway. That’s why we’ve cooked up this dumb default for you in our social cement factory.

And above all, don’t rock the boat. It’s not you that’s been blown up, beheaded, tortured, shot, stabbed or run over, so why are you even concerned? You’re not one of those Islamophobes are you?