BY JON ALEXANDER
“He didn’t sound like a Fishfinger” was the message I sent to my friend on Facebook. Having just finished a telephone interview with Westmorland and Lonsdale’s newest Parliamentary Candidate – Mr Fishfinger – that was all I could think to say. He’d been ever so kind to give Country Squire Magazine this exclusive opportunity, so I did not hesitate in dropping him a line. I’ve never interviewed a fish finger before. Having said that, Mr Fishfinger’s campaign is soleful – one I could certainly get behind. Mr Fishfinger was chirpy and enthusiastic when I spoke to him. He was well aware of the national significance of the hefty undertaking before him. As Westmorland and Lonsdale isn’t just any constituency – it’s the home of Liberal Democrat Leader Tim Farron, a man who won the seat from the Conservatives in 2005 and has won two impressive majorities in the last two General Elections in the constituency (2010 and 2015). Here’s a transcript of my interview with the great man:
Q: Why a Fish Finger not a carrot or a sausage?
There was a Twitter Poll carried out by a user named Skiplicker – ‘Who would you trust more MP Tim Farron or a Fishfinger?’ – the Fishfinger got about 95% of the vote. I’ve followed Skip for a while, then one crazy afternoon whilst eating fishfingers, I put it out there – if I could raise the nomination money, then I would stand and run as a Fishfinger.
Q: Tell us about yourself, are you a family man?
Yes, I’m a family man – nine others, we’re from a pack of ten.
Q: Where would you put yourself on the political spectrum?
Middle of the Ocean.
Q: Can you really “batter” Farron or is he going to fry you?
Realistically I’m doing this to have fun but I have got some serious issues. I do have some serious comments to make but I’m also about having fun and taking the Michael out of democracy. I personally believe Farron is running scared.
Q: Is there any hint of a slur on Tim Farron being Ginger? Fishfingers are a tad orange.
No, there’s no slur – I’ve been ginger as long as Farron. We’re the same age actually but I’ve kept better.
Q: Tell me about your team:
I have a Twitter school writing our Manifishto and we will be issuing a Pollocky document soon. We’re running a tight ship – we don’t want any leaks. @Oldholbornlolz from Twitter is on the team (he infamously stood as an Independent in 2010 in the Cambridge Constituency).
Q: What has the local reaction been to you and your team?
Cumbria is a lovely piece of the world – we’ve spoken to locals including farmers and we’ve spoken to young voters 18-30 and had excellent feedback. Initially they thought it was a joke but are now onside after we spoke to them about Brexit and going forwards mainstream.
Q: You’ve mentioned Brexit, were you pro-Brexit or against?
I metaphorically sat on the fence (as to balance on it is tricky when you’re a fishfinger) but now it’s happened we need to get on with it, there’s no point crying, we can’t change it, all we can do is build a future for Britain – “Hake Britain great again”.
Q: Tell us about your policies.
After consulting with locals, we want to start tearing down wind farms and using sustainable energy. We want to Plant Kendal Mint Cake trees where the wind farms were – a good source of renewable energy. Fishermen are having a difficult time with quotas and subsidies going to other countries. I will fight for their rights on quotas and get them a fair deal.
I fully support the NHS, it is a key part of British life and in everybody’s hearts and we have to make sure that it works by cutting bureaucracy. Changes are needed but we’re listening too much to politicians and bureaucrats instead of listening to the NHS and its hardworking staff.
Education plays a big part in life, I went to a rather large school, had 400 fry per class and we’ve got schools with 30-40 pupils in each class. We must reduce numbers and train people for jobs in the local economy.
Nuclear industry is up there for me as well and it’s a big part of the local community.
Q: And finally, what do you think your chances are?
Very good, my followers and some Trade Unionists are saying why the hell not? Vote for the Fishfinger. We’ve had varied support – from all across the political spectrum. We’ve certainly set off some squeaky bums amongst the better known political parties. Somebody must have leaked the Green Party’s pollocky document and they’re not standing anymore
Q: Thankyou so much. Good luck on June 8th
Jon Alexander writes:
Given Tim Farron’s recent troubles in the press and his apparent failure to hoover up the disgruntled Remainer vote, I think Mr Fishfinger still has a pretty good chance of winning the constituents of Westmorland and Lonsdale over and providing the UK with its first democratically-elected Fishfinger. Certainly, his policies are soFISHticated and he’s far more charismatic than Sturgeon.