BY DOMINIC WIGHTMAN

It’s Lambophobia Awareness Month, folks! That’s right. It’s the month when all of us are subjected to pricks on our social conscience; obliged to feel pity for all “oppressed lambs” everywhere – especially those bigoted, supremacist, two-faced Lambists who dreamt up all kinds of faux victimhood in the past for attempted political gain and now promote Lambophobia Awareness Month on infidelitous Twitter.

“Phobia?” I hear you all say. “Isn’t a phobia a fear, like arachnophobia, agoraphobia or phallophobia?”

Well, of course it is. And we all fear lambs when we really think about it. I mean, if we didn’t, then Lambophobia would be merely a nonsensical word created by Lambists, and used by cowards, to manipulate morons, wouldn’t it? Lambophobia must be a real and valid thing, or those BBC correspondents and ordinary lambs – admittedly from that paragon of no lambshit, the Lamb Council of Britain – wouldn’t be on telly all the time ranting and raving about it. Would they?

“If Lambophobia is not a thing, how could Lambophobia Awareness Month come into being?” you question, most perspicaciously, no doubt already burnt and hardened by the con that is Stop Funding “Hate” being run by hateful leftist Canutes who oddly presume that the newspapers we love to read with our tea and Jaffa Cakes shape us, rather than us happily shaping them with our pounds and clicks.

Well, regrettably, it’s a sad and often bloody tale. Medium rare, dare I say:

You see, many years ago, some lambs became jolly angry. They were fed up that in the days of their distant lamb ancestors they were the ones with the soap and abacuses while malodorous humans – especially those in the West – rarely took a bath and still counted on their germ-laden fingers. As the years passed by, Western Humans became – by a huge, uncatchable distance – the First World, while lamb nations were stuck in the relative barbarity of the past, where even calculators were looked on suspiciously as the inventions of nasty, evil genies who hid in unbudgeable clagnuts and only emerged when sinful ewes dared tantalisingly display their ankles in public.

Western, imperialistic humans were soon rubbing in their advances – coasting past lambs’ fields in their Rolls Royces; even selling their Rolls Royces to those “wicked” lambs who pretended to be like them; those lambs who had turned their backs on the true religion of Lamb, of course.

A very angry, jealous lamb with a name like a chesty cough called Quntb – who had seen America in all its splendour – wrote a pamphlet arguing that anything non-Lambic was evil and corrupt, and that following his version of Lamb as a complete system extending into all aspects of life was obligatory or, err, die. Adherence would bring every kind of benefit to all creatures, from personal and social peace, to the “treasures” of the universe.

In retrospect, it would seem that poor Quntb had a dreadful case of scrapie. Nonetheless, some other resentful and desperate lambs actually took absolutist Quntb’s bitter scribblings seriously! And his mad exhortations inspired violent uprisings among other angry lambs. Some gullible, brainwashed lambs even stole fertiliser from their masters’ farms and became Quntb lamb mince martyrs – promised a luscious green afterlife replete with Porterhouse virgins and interminable parsley – I mean, believe that and you’ll believe anything! While others resorted to cowardly shanks, as they took out as many unbelieving, innocent humans as they could, preferably when their backs were turned. Their anger went up a notch –  baah baah – when the guardians of the sacred Lamb locations called in advanced First World Western humans to defend them against other mad lambs rather than those ragtag, unkempt Lambists with their dodgy, old rifles, exiled (for good reasons it transpired) in lands you’d not even send your mother-in-law to.

Most lambs didn’t give a damn about these humourless baarmies and carried on chewing grass, producing useful wool and carpets – enjoying this life rather than throwing it away for the next in some warped as-if-theological gamble. But some hothead, political lamb losers, not unlike the Lambist activist organisers of Lambophobia Awareness Month, swallowed Quntb’s politics hook, line and sinker – despite it failing (even worse than socialism) wherever it was tried. And their anger continued to fester while secular humans and decent, integrating lambs continued to win, while secularism-despising, supremacist, theocratic lambs continued to lose all over the world, bigly.

The poor Lambists just couldn’t get it between their woolly ears that the enlightened, advanced world really didn’t fancy Lamb, let alone Lambism, at all. And, however many fields they temporarily invaded, and however many humans and sensible lambs they raped and slaughtered, however many human dollars they wasted, however many councils they corrupted, however many London mayors’ solicitor trust accounts they polluted, illuminated humans were not for turning, let alone earmarking.

While this nonsense was going on and some mostly extraneous, dim humans (usually desperadoes in pursuit of Lambist flock votes) fell for Lambist “sensitivities” (in reality, these were planned, Lambist, supremacist political objectives set to divide Western societies), there were some confused, brainless, violent human oafs who went around attacking even non-Lambist lambs. These humans (mostly rightly) were sent to jail. In the genuinely “free” lands of the West, it’s of course not racist to criticise Lamb at all – as even a dimbo knows something you can convert to could never be classed as a race in the first place.

So, to cut this rather dull story short (the Lambists would prefer it dragged out, while the rest of us would prefer it never existed in the first place), Lambophobia Awareness Month is meaningless drivel dreamt up by female-oppressing, bigoted, supremacist, luddite Lambists who are so deluded as to think that we’ll fall for Lambism. Just another dumb stratagem conjured by third-rate Alinksy-aware, Lambist plotters by which to put Lamb into the public eye yet again, when most of the public – certainly in Britain – really don’t give a damn about it, see Lambist violence as pathetic behaviour by a sad, tiny, losing minority, and the chance of them being swayed by Lamb or Lambism in any case are as probable as Slim & None… fortunately, Slim died at round about the same time Quntb was left dangling for conspiracy to assassinate… the same year the Rolls–Royce Silver Shadow was introduced to the market for human (and lamb) delectation.

Lambophobia Awareness Month, jog on you witless misnomer. Leave all November’s awareness to the valid cause that is Movember. Don’t get fleeced by the Lambists, folks. And don’t be violent or criminal or cowardly against any citizens, even those who seek, in their faux victimhood, to divide us. 

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself.

(Proverbs 26:4)