BY SAM WHITE

Progressive types have been pissing and moaning their way through 2017, constantly on the verge of either breaking a cup or checking in to a psych ward, but good news is round the corner. A vision was revealed to me and I can let it be known that 2018 is the year when all the metro-leftist dreams come true and society is remade in their image. Here’s what to look forward to.

Allahu Akbar!

Yes, God is greater. Which god? Why, Allah of course! And he’s greater than all the other gods, who don’t even exist anyway. 2018 is going to a big one for Islam, and for that you should be grateful, because Islam is the best religion. It’s easy to know it’s the best one, because it has its own legal system, takes control of entire societies, dictates the minutiae of everyday existence, and kills people who won’t join in. You must admit, that’s value for money. And as they say, it’s the religion of peace—after all, how can there be conflict in the Caliphate when disagreement is prohibited? Get on board!

You’ll know Islam has come to town when Christmas markets look like fortified military compounds, the police carry assault rifles, Jews live in fear, gay people are assaulted in the street, women must cover themselves before going out in public, and you’re not allowed to say anything bad about Islam, let alone draw a cartoon without being executed in a hail of bullets.

Yes, the religion of peace is gearing up to deliver a lot more of its very own stunning new interpretation of the word peace.

The Female Penis

As is well known, progressives hate men, especially straight, white ones, and think there should be more women doing all the traditionally male dominated jobs like cleaning sewers and collecting the bins doing all the good jobs. And they’ve found a magnificent way to sort that out: now anyone can be a woman. And not just a woman, but a transwoman, meaning they tick two oppression boxes. But they’re not actually trans, because transwomen are women and there’s no difference between the two. But they’re also trans people who need protection from transphobes, so they’re both transwomen and actual women, but certainly not men. Although they have penises. But female penises.

Listen, it might sound confusing, but here’s the bottom line: although there will be men dominating women’s sports, men in women’s changing rooms, men taking women’s professional positions, and dangerous men in women’s prisons, there are actually no men doing any of those things because—and here’s the clever part—transwomen are women!

Oh, and if you have a boy who likes dolls or a girl who plays with toy trucks, then get them to a gender clinic immediately. Sex stereotypes must be strictly enforced, and your child will be dosed full of puberty blockers in preparation for irreversible surgery and a lifetime of medication. No, it’s not a horror movie, it’s what the left now calls progress, so give it a rest with being such a cishet stick-in-the-mud, and abandon reality like the rest of us. Seriously. That’s an order and we’ll tell your employer if you don’t.

Stop Saying Things

One of the worst aspects of fascist Brexit Britain is that people are free to say and write anything they like. This, clearly, is very oppressive, but don’t worry, 2018 will emancipate you from the tyranny of free expression, and ensure that you only encounter good, wholesome left-wing material.

Stop Funding Hate is currently hard at work shaming companies for advertising in perfectly normal, popular newspapers, but that’s just the start of it. Once these widely enjoyed national publications are purged, we can move on to the people who read them. Please, embrace this process. If you are being shamed, it’s because you have the wrong opinion. This is easily rectified though. Simply join Twitter and follow Gary Lineker, JK Rowling, Lily Allen, David Baddiel, and you can take your pick between John Simpson or Jon Snow. They will issue the correct opinions. Copy them. Repeat what they say. Think as they do. When you have been properly adjusted, you will be free to express yourself correctly.

Praise Corbyn

You don’t have to kneel before Jeremy. You might not dream nightly of his gentle caress. Perhaps you haven’t been the victim of a national tragedy, waiting, pallid and clammy, for Jeremy to arrive, with some photographers, whereupon he will cocoon you in his arms. But now is the time to open your heart to his holy Socialist compassion. Jeremy’s profound affection knows no bounds, extending even as far as the IRA, Hamas, and Hezbollah.

It extends to the many.

But not the Few.

And we know who you are, Few. We know you are many, Few, but we will find each and every one of you, and crush you all. We are Britain FirstMomentum, and we pledge to thuggishly harass people, act like children who’ve suffered a knock to the head, and wrench the national political tone down to the level of an old, broken sewer, where it will stay for the foreseeable future.

So it’s out with the old and in with the trans-tastic, totally halal, book burning, dissent purging, Tory hating new. Strap in and pray to god that Bitcoin will save the world, or at least continue to facilitate the purchasing of hard drugs and firearms. Raise a glass, try not to get booted off Twitter, and if we do end up shivering through the nights together in a diversity training correctional facility, then remember, we’ll always have Brexit.