BY BEN PENSANT

I was delighted to learn of the new twists taken in the heart-warming story of Swedish airplane hero Ellen Eriksson

If you’re anything like me you’ll have marvelled at courageous Ellen’s refusal to sit down on a plane until an Afghan asylum seeker facing deportation was removed. And you were probably also horrified by the alt-right bigots who immediately piped up with Islamophobic questions like ‘what was he being deported for?’, ‘how do you know he’ll be killed in Afghanistan?’, and ‘are you aware that Sweden has extremely liberal immigration laws and don’t deport people for just anything?’. Thankfully such attempts to discredit Ellen were roundly dismissed as bigotry, and she received support across the political spectrum from Diane Abbott to Caroline Lucas.

But amazingly, this tale is even more joyous than we thought. Because the truth has finally been revealed about the poor, misunderstood Afghan on the plane. And contrary to what the racist rumour-mongers speculated, he wasn’t a rapist or a terrorist: he’d been released from jail for beating his wife and children with an electrical cord. Indeed, when found by police he was in the process of smashing her head on the kitchen floor: a far more humane way of assaulting your partner than the barbaric British method of braining her with a tin of pineapple chunks.

All in all, I can’t recall a better example of a brave Muslim defending his culture in defiance of western prejudice. And whatever path his life takes, he’s earned his place in regressive hearts forever, along with the marginalised men who ‘assaulted’ those prick-teases in Cologne and the oppressed grooming gangs who introduced northern England to the quaint medieval custom of abusing children in chip shops.

Trolls suggested this proved why Ellen was wrong to stage her protest without knowing the full story. Horse-shit. The fact that she was willing to go to bat for a man who tried to murder his wife just emphasises her compassion. So what if she knew bugger all about why he was being deported: she felt he shouldn’t be, which is all that matters. And how was she to know he’d been in jail? She’s a student for god’s sake: where would she find the time to learn about her own country’s immigration laws or come to the obvious conclusion that he’d probably done something quite bad and maybe trying to stop him being deported without the facts wasn’t the wisest move? We’ll leave such agenda-driven muckraking to the Islamophobes, thanks. Because ignorance is a virtue on the modern left: what you don’t know is waaay more powerful than what you do.

Of course, nobody wants to see him return home and have another crack at killing his wife and kids. For starters it would be terrible PR. But who knows, perhaps they’d benefit from being encouraged to resist immoral European positions such as ‘not being totally on board with getting strangled by daddy’. Either way, if he does it would be entirely on the authorities and nothing whatsoever to do with Ellen’s protest effectively granting him the freedom to commit murder. Young left-wing ladies don’t even have the power to earn the same as men never mind force them to slaughter their families.

Similarly, if he’d returned to Afghanistan and been shot dead the second he got off the plane that would be entirely on the authorities too, and nothing whatsoever to do with the gunman or the oppressed bloke who got himself thrown out of a liberal democracy for gracing it with the very worst aspects of the society he left.

Lest we forget it was us who corrupted that society in the first place, destabilising the Islamic world so thoroughly that its marginalised citizens were left with no choice but to brutalise their own people. And any idiot knows the Taliban were only invented because the FBI and Jim Rambo trained those well-meaning Mujahideenies to act as cannon fodder against the Russians. Make no mistake, the country he would’ve been forced to return to because the authorities couldn’t keep their noses out of a private family dispute is a hell on earth NO human being should have to endure. Just don’t call it a shit-hole, you racist.

All of which reinforces how right Ms Erikkson was. And while rumours persist that the poor Afghan gent will still be deported, let’s hope in the meantime he’s allowed to practice the traditional Islamic custom of beating the shit out of your loved ones without the fascist state sticking their bigoted beaks in.

Ben Pensant is a bloke called Dave. He writes here.