BY PHLEGYAS

On this historic day, I stand before you to make a commitment – a commitment that I’ve been wanting to fulfil all my life  – and even before. Scotland will be independent!

We will break asunder the bonds of the Act of Union! We will become separate from the Constitution and institutions of the United Kingdom at Westminster! We will stand tall and proud as we take our place among the free, independent nations of the world!

What better way to celebrate that great moment than to hold the second and final referendum on Independence on 30^th November this year – Saint Andrew’s Day, our official National Day! That this will be illegal is neither here nor there. The Assembly’s Salmond inquiry has clearly demonstrated that I, as First Minister, and my husband, Peter, as Chief Executive Officer of the Party, have complete control over the judicial system here in Scotland, so we can do what we like.

We are Scotland.

Let me be very clear about what Independence will mean for you, our great people. We are neither an industrial nor a digital nation, but we are an alcoholic one. Our whisky industry and its after-effects are world beaters, and it is upon this firm, if liquid, foundation that we will build our future. The day after the ‘Yes’ vote is made, our other great assets, the Loch Ness Monster, the Haggis and the Cairngorms, will receive massive subsidies to put them on the path towards global leadership.

The fact that upon independence we will have no legal currency is a mere bagatelle. I can reveal that between now and the referendum, we will be negotiating with anyone who will allow us to join their currency block, and if all else fails we will issue our own crypto-currency, the Scottish Flake. But I don’t believe it will come to that. Brussels is already brandishing tempting sprouts from the direction of the euro, but we know that its fleet-of-foot negotiators always stop the clock as deadlines hurtle towards them, & St Andrew & the referendum will wait for no-one.  Altogether more exciting is the prospect of catapulting our great nation on to the Top Table of gullibility & indebtedness by joining the Belt & Road initiative, where we will pay China sporran-quivering amounts of money to allow it to use the military bases vacated by the Royal Navy.

For all their faults, Western democracy and the Westminster Parliament have given us the right to freedom of speech and association that allows me to stand before you today and brazenly advocate a breach of constitutional law. But the future is bright: the future is China. Perched like a puffin picking away at the northern shore, we are poised to become the Hong Kong of Europe. The day after the ‘Yes’ result, we will sign contracts to redevelop the entire Central Belt into New Wuhan, and the day after Hogmanay next year, when everyone will still be too confused to notice the difference, we will begin our own Long March by changing to drive on the right.

These are momentous times for our glorious nation as we throw off the shackles of that Great Oppressor in Westminster. Like being vaccinated against Covid, you will not feel a thing and will be free to enjoy the consequences as we bask in the northern sunlight of our reincarnation.

But in case you do have any second thoughts, we will be building a wall – Hadrian’s Wall – and the English will pay for it.

Phlegyas has spent over 35 years in large and small commerce working across seven different industries and nine different countries. Like his mythical namesake, who ferried Dante and Virgil across the River Styx, he has guided many present-day Board directors of very large organisations through the treacherous cross-currents of Business and Board games. His ancestors emigrated south.