BY STEWART SLATER
- At Pace (when used with “Working”) adv: Working at a pace chosen for our convenience, not yours.
- Bacchanal (also Orgy, usually Debauched) n: Party to which we would have gone had our opponents invited us.
- Bad Old Days n: When our opponents were in charge.
- Bandwagon, Jumping on a v: What our opponents do when they propose something popular which we find inconvenient.
- Baron n: Occasionally a member of the House of Lords; more generally, a union official who funds the left and to whom we can accuse them of being beholden (cf. Oligarch).
- Brighter Future (also Better Days Ahead) n: What politicians look forward to when the advance for their memoirs clears.
- Centre n: The part of the political spectrum we inhabit. (cf. Extremes)
- Communist (also Marxist) n/adj: 1. A follower of Karl Marx. 2. Someone to our left whom we dislike. (cf. Fascist).
- Community n:1. A group of people of whom we approve (cf. Rabble). 2. When proceeded by “International”, a mythical entity which operates according to our Values (qv), also International Lawyers.
- Considered adj: Decisions taken by us. (cf. Knee-Jerk).
- Dickensian adj: The state of the country if our opponents get into power. (cf. Sunlit Uplands)
- Disgraceful (also, Disgusting) adj: A policy which conflicts with our Values (qv.) which we fear might be popular, particularly when proposed by an opponent we dislike.
- Distraction n: Anything which interferes with our attempt to cast our opponents in a bad light.
- Easy Answers n: What our opponents offer. (cf. Hard Decisions)
- Empty adj: Applies exclusively to promises made by our opponents.
- Extremes n: The part of the spectrum our opponents inhabit. (cf. Centre).
- Far-Left n/adj: Someone to our left. (cf. Far-Right).
- Far-Right n/adj: Someone to our right. (cf. Far-Left)
- Fascist (also Nazi) adj: 1. A follower of the political philosophy of Fascism. 2. Someone to our right we don’t like. (cf. Communist).
- Frit adj: Our opponents when they fail to be present while we abuse them.
- Fully-Costed adj: We sent the intern on an Excel course.
- Fully-Funded adj: Economic term applicable to our policies. Our opponents’ require the Magic Money Tree (qv.)
- Gaffe n: When our opponents accidentally tell the truth. (cf. Mis-speaking)
- Giant (of the Movement/Party) n: Tribute paid to a recently deceased politician on our side of whom no-one outside politics has heard.
- Getting the Sums Wrong v: Why our opponents’ economic policies fail. (cf. Global Turmoil).
- Global Turmoil n: Why our economic policies fail. (cf. Getting the Sums Wrong).
- Good Look n/adj: Generally used in the negative for a proposal from our opponents which fails to align with the Values (qv.) of the International Community (qv.).
- High Level adj: Any discussion in which we are involved and our opponents are not.
- In the Pocket of (often combined with union Baron (qv) and Oligarch (qv)) adj: Our opponents are controlled by their funders. Requires no evidence.
- Intolerable adj: Something we will tolerate because we have no alternative but want the electorate to know we dislike.
- Jam Tomorrow adj: An economic policy we would adopt had the opposition not done so first.
- Knee-Jerk adj: A decision taken by our opponents (cf. Considered).
- Lavish Extravagance n: Public money spent by our opponents on themselves. (cf. Reasonable Expenses).
- Misogyny (also Sexism) n: Underlying cause of any attack on a female politician on our side. No evidence required.
- Mis-speaking v: When we accidentally tell the truth. (cf. Gaffe).
- Money Tree (generally Magic) n: A source of funding on which all our opponents’ policies rely. (cf. Fully-Funded).
- National Interest n: Uniquely discernible by us and uniquely aligned with our Values (qv); what we pursue while our opponents are Playing Politics (qv.)
- Nationalisation n: The theory that the best people to run public services are those who have never run anything.
- Nuance n: Quality lacking in our opponents’ arguments.
- Oligarch n: Sometimes a Russian whose source of wealth is obscure; more generally, an individual who funds the Right and to whom we can accuse them of being beholden. (cf. Baron)
- Open Door adj: The type of immigration policy our opponents offer.
- Our pronoun: Indicator of ownership typically applied to institutions we do not own e.g. the NHS/BBC.
- Politics, Playing v: Something our opponents do while we take Hard Decisions (qv.) in the National Interest (qv.).
- Populist n: Politician who espouses policies which are popular but with which we disagree.
- Private Plane n: Mode of transport. Essential when used by us, extravagant when used by our opponents.
- Progressive adj: A policy which helps our voting bloc (cf. Regressive).
- Public-Spirited adj: Why we are in politics. (cf. Self-Serving).
- Put One’s Hands Up v: Filler phrase to be used between being caught out and unleashing a stream of justifications.
- Rabble n: A group of people of whom we disapprove. (cf. Community).
- Reasonable Expenses n: Public money spent by us on ourselves. (cf. Lavish Extravagance).
- Reassess (often “In the Light of New Evidence”) v: When we change our minds. (cf. U-Turn).
- Regressive adj: A policy which hurts our voting bloc. (cf. Progressive)
- Running Away v: Activity undertaken by opponents whose location prevents us from humiliating them in public. Often because they are Frit (qv.).
- Self-Serving adj: Why they are in politics. (cf. Public-Spirited).
- Shameless adj: An opponent caught behaving in the way we do.
- Staggering adj/v: 1. A policy we would have implemented which did not work out when our opponents did so we want the electorate to believe we would never have touched it. (Often preceded by “Simply” or “Absolutely”). 2. What our opponents do when they have been in power for a while. (Often used with “From crisis to crisis“)
- Statesman n: A politician with a plane ticket.
- Summit n: A gathering of Statesmen (qv.) which we attend. (cf. Talking Shop)
- Sunlit Uplands n: The state of the country once we’ve been in charge for a bit. (cf. Dickensian).
- Take No Lectures From v: To be deployed when we know our opponents are criticising our behaviour fairly.
- Talking Shop n: A gathering of Statesmen (qv.) attended by our opponents.
- United Nations n: Institution which hosts Talking Shops (qv.) or Summits (qv.). Rarely united. Key part of the World Stage (qv.).
- Unity n: Desirable when it means agreeing with us, dangerous when it means agreeing with them.
- U-Turn v/n: When our opponents change their minds. (cf. Reassess).
- Values n: Prejudices we have persuaded ourselves are both true and unarguable. May, as in British Values, be undefinable.
- World Stage n: Venue which we bestride and on which our opponents embarrass themselves and the country.
Stewart Slater works in Finance. He invites you to join him at his website.