BY DANIEL JUPP
Chaos in Britain After Somebody Introduces Keir Starmer to Game of Thrones
The UK Government today announced a raft of new measures in response to Keir Starmer finally being introduced to smash hit HBO fantasy series Game of Thrones. The series based on the (still uncompleted) novel sequence by George R.R. Martin was a massive international hit in 8 series between 2011-2019, becoming a much loved part of popular culture with a dedicated fanbase who continue to regard the show with affection, although the final series conclusion left many slightly underwhelmed.
During the original airing of the show it is thought that senior Labour Party figures made strenuous efforts to prevent Keir Starmer from seeing it, with a dedicated three person team in rotating shifts steering the current British Prime Minister away from any screen featuring the popular series. A Labour Party HQ source anonymously admitted the reasoning behind the strange embargo:
“Basically the problem we have is that the Prime Minister doesn’t understand the concept of fiction. Put almost anything in front of him that’s fictional and he will believe it’s real. Now this works out rather well for us in general because it means that the people paying the party to do various hideously stupid and destructive things can just present him with something and he will get very excited and emotional and do whatever we want. So for example we have him trained to shout ‘Far Right Threat’ angrily whenever anyone tries to show him racial crime statistics, and he totally believes that white people are born evil because we got him to read half a page of Ibram X. Kendi one time. We showed him fifteen minutes of Roots and he immediately promised 50 billion pounds and the Chagos Islands to Mauritius. So in that sense it’s been really helpful. Climate Change and so forth. We didn’t even have to introduce him to Greta. He got there all by himself just by watching those new weather reports we do with all the burning fire graphics for average summer temperatures. Ed Miliband says he found him sacrificing a chicken to cool down the Sun after a meeting with Bill Gates, and even Ed thought that was going a bit far when you could just sacrifice the British economy instead. But the trouble comes when he accidentally encounters fiction we haven’t carefully selected for him. It’s an absolute nightmare. We don’t know how it happened, but we really can’t see any way to personally profit from the measures he’s demanding now.”
If the comments of our anonymous source are reflective of the general mood of the party, it represents the first lessening of the firm grip Starmer has had on the Labour government, which has for some time been much stronger than his grip on reality.
So what are the measures that the Prime Minister is now rushing through Parliament in a way that panics even his previously loyal supporters? Well most of them can be found in the Aerial Safety (Protection from Dragons) Act 2025, which is currently working its way into legislation. The controversial Act includes measures that even civil liberties groups pleased with the general crackdown on white families are beginning to question.
Here is a rundown of the key points causing alarm:
- The Act requires all citizens to live in caves by 2030, which will be both environmentally friendly and offer the best protection from dragon breath weapons. Critics have pointed out the lack of cave provision in many parts of the country, and a rebel group of backbench Labour MPs are proposing that limited cave places should be reserved first and foremost for vulnerable migrants. The government proposes to build a new cave every three seconds at a cost of 2.4 trillion pounds.
- The Act recognises that white brothers and sisters are invariably prone to incest, and mandates the forcible separation of siblings unless one or all of them are mixed-race (the so called Cersei Clause).
- The Act declares that Little People are prone to “cunning, devious intrigues” and are inherently “likely to foment rebellion, insurrection and discord” and therefore requires all adults over the age of 18 and under the height of five foot to wear tall yellow hats and big yellow boots so that those interacting with them are reminded to be duly cautious.
- The Act recognises that extremely attractive young women may bring dragon eggs to full term, with untold risks of criminal damage resulting from the birth of new dragons. As a solution, it requires the smashing of all eggs “both draconic in appearance and non draconic, to be on the safe side” and the immediate culling of every chicken in Britain.
- The Act recognises that a traditional family structure seems to be the cause of all the problems in Game of Thrones, with or without the complicating issue of incest. It identifies and defines Toxic Fatherhood as the key social problem based on the behaviour of Tywin Lannister. In order to address the issue of Toxic Fatherhood, fathers in the UK will be required to abandon their new born children and have no further contact with them. Fathers of existing children will be given one week to arrange alternative accommodation, which must of course be a cave that their child never visits.
- The Act blames Russia for the devastating battles that occur in Game of Thrones, which is believed to be a consequence of the Prime Minister having a scheduled meeting with NATO leaders just before he watched Episode 3 of the first season. It designates Russian nuclear weapons as Dragons of Mass Destruction, and proposes a Military Against Dragons (MAD) Taskforce be assembled by immediate mass conscription. This MAD Taskforce is to depart for Moscow at the earliest opportunity.
Even among Globalist Progressive allies some of these measures are causing alarm. But the Prime Minister has not been swayed by those within government trying to moderate his reaction to Game of Thrones. In an emergency public address a visibly emotional Keir Starmer defended the necessity of the measures contained in the Aerial Safety (Protection from Dragons) legislation and announced a deal with HBO to show highlights of the 8 series fantasy epic to all British schoolchildren. The Prime Minister said:
“Last night I watched the final concluding episode of the harrowing documentary series Game of Thrones. I watched it with my children, and we were all horrified by the documentary’s account of the terrible impact of dragons on ordinary life and the safety of British cities such as King’s Landing. We know that online Dragon influencers are distorting impressionable minds. Dragon Extremists like Barney or Puff pretend to be friendly creatures listening to childhood concerns in these increasingly divided times. But they are not your friends. Listen to these toxic dragon influencers, and the next thing you know you will be running around in medieval armour trying to violently overthrow King Charles. We simply cannot let this happen. We owe it to our children to educate them on the dangers of Dragons, and if we don’t, we could well see a repeat of the attack on the Manchester Arena which was of course the work of Daenerys Targaryen.”
The Prime Minister added that a significant reward, perhaps exceeding 50 billion pounds and the Chagos Islands, would be offered to anyone confirming the whereabouts of this woman:
Police have warned that she is armed and dangerous, and should only be approached by large groups of Somalians hopping off dinghies.
Recently a spate of sudden wildfires during mild weather have been caused by Dragons, and not at all by eco-terrorists, in developments that seem to support the Prime Minister’s approach.
Daniel Jupp is the author of A Gift for Treason: The Cultural Marxist Assault on Western Civilisation, which was published in 2019. He has had previous articles published by Spiked, The Spectator and Politicalite, and is a married father of two from Essex. Daniel’s SubStack is available here.