BY JAMES BEMBRIDGE
Dear Lib Dems, I feel I must complain about your new mockumentary, ‘#LibDemIftar’, which I have decided to Tell Mama about. Do you not know that jokes this time of year are as haram as the plates of etiolated pork your councillors garnished their #LibDemIftar tweets with?
We all knew at least one Lib Dem at school. The teacher’s pet that went unpetted. Those whose books were swollen with unread pages. So nauseatingly annoying that the teacher’s lesson planner was no doubt filled with self-help messages – “keep calm”, “do not murder him” – when pointless question after pointless question emanated from the Lib Dem’s gob. These are the sandaled geeks who look so tragic that one presumes they must be clever – on the assumption that no god can be so cruel. Alas, God’s vengeance is limitless. The Lib Dem’s a kind of spineless individual who we often mistake for a studious one. Mix that with wokeness, some tears and a dollop of faux empathy – that is the modern Liberal Democrat.
Post-Brexit, these sexless and increasingly desperate creatures seek a slice of the 85 percent British Muslim vote currently enjoyed by the Labour Party. And so it was that a woke ‘solidarity fast’ began amongst Lib Desperados, lasting all but one day. Their sanctimonious efforts soon turned satirical as the awkward whispers of their leader’s Ramadan message ended with an excruciating 10 seconds of fumbling to turn the camera off.
Then the Lib Dems’ resident ‘pansexual’ popped up like a llama from behind a hedge and made the fast all about her, flooding Twitter with hormonal pangs, claiming that drinking water was ‘just about OK’. One waited for the gummy-toothed creature to hiss and spit. This understated comedy then morphed into outright farce when a Liberal Democrat councillor shared his morning Ramadan meal with the Muslim Council of Britain – a plate of under-cooked bacon – and for that, surely, Mama will file a report? (In mitigation the Lib Dem Councillor’s apology – “one of my finest moments of idiocy” – seemed humble enough.)
Perhaps the Lib Dems aren’t actually interested in yoking the religious vote and this is all just some novel attack from the few remaining apostles of the ‘New Atheist’ movement? Either which way, I have never felt such solidarity with our Muslim brothers. To be bombarded with patronising messages from toothy burka-less women and fumbling Daddies is a nightmarish vision worthy of Fuseli. What were you poor souls expecting to happen next? Lord Rennard popping up in his leathers chomping on Frazzles?
Religion is something deeply personal. For the Lib Dems to cynically capitalise on Ramadan is nothing but repulsive. One yearns for the days of Tim Farron – a liberal Christian who stood by his principles and was martyred for his beliefs at the altar of Lib Dem woke. And if any Muslims are turned – and it is easy to see why voting Labour may seem as attractive as catching Coronavirus – then do some research into Lib Dem totems of days of yore. You should Google Thorpe, Pantsdown, Huhne, Cyril Smith and – save the most saintly for last – Mark Oaten.
“We don’t do God,” Alastair Campbell once interrupted a Tony Blair interview with. And for once in a blue moon he was right. Take heed, Lib Dems – please go and take your desperation elsewhere.
James Bembridge is Deputy Editor of Country Squire Magazine.