Universal Boarding

Dear Editor,

Each weekday morning as I dawdle in my car through Wimbledon village and across the Common, I curse the Chelsea tractors and mummies with their gym-worked rears in the road who care not one jot for commuter traffic as they drop off their little Jacks and Janes at prep school and open car doors into the road. I fume at the state school children waiting in the bus stops who often lob rubbish at my beloved Merc and dance around chanting nonsense like that socialist oaf Stormzy. Why do I put up with this daily waste of time and energy as I make my way to work in a surgery role which is vital to many and at any moment could be vital to those people who delay my journey?

Often I have thought of buying a helicopter but alas my salary does not permit such a bypass of the logjam. I have thought about moving house. In the name of net zero and for the sake of green responsibility I have considered moving to where I work but that is an increasing hellhole under this mayor and I deem my social value as greater alive than riddled with bullets or stab wounds.

Then one day it came to me. I believe I have the solution.


Let all the children board. It would take so much traffic off the road and rid the atmosphere of so much unnecessary pollution. There would no longer be the wasteful morning or afternoon commute. The Chelsea tractors could stay in their garages. Buses would no longer be full of screaming children lobbing water bottles at grannies. Children would get an actual education. They could run their obesity off on the playing fields and learn hierarchy bottom-up (so to speak). Teachers would regain some respect, or their pupils be forced on early morning runs or starved of supper.

Even better, we’d be done with poppy-loppers like Owen Jones and Chris Packham. The other bitter privilege checkers that try to ruin this mighty country would evaporate if all children went to one boarding school or another and enjoyed compulsory grouse shooting. I see from your bio you were at Ampleforth, so just imagine if all had your start in life or attended their own Eton or Repton? We’d be a cohesive and greater nation. Manners would be ubiquitous. People would pick up their dog turd. There would be less belching in restaurants. Australians would feel less at home here. Surely you see the manifold benefits?

Best of all, I could drive my Mercedes to work where I save lives. I’d arrive calm and collected instead of stressed and sweaty.

Universal boarding for a greener Britain.

There you are. You read it here.

Yours sincerely,

Jeremy Sadler