A Shadow of a Labour Conference


It’s Labour Party Conference time again which means all the nutters are out on social media deluding themselves that next election they’ll be in government. It’s the political equivalent of a full-moon and gives us enough laughs to see us through those dark winter nights which will soon be fast drawing in.

Already today I’ve been accused of being a “beta male” by someone because I don’t get angry at rich people and I don’t blame them for my failures in life, someone else called me a “twat” for wanting evidence of their claims. Apparently I should take the Left’s views onboard without any corroboration. What? Anyone can own and operate a cervix and you don’t need a licence for it?

The conference started with Sir Keir fumbling through an interview question on whether Rosie Duffield’s stance on transwomen is correct or not. Poor Sir Keir, flailing about like a fish out of water struggling to straddle both sides of the argument for fear of upsetting someone, just what we need in a leader…a dull fence-sitter. Amazing insight into him as a person though – clueless when under pressure. Even Corbyn would have answered that, he’d have been wrong in his answer, but he would have answered.

One thing I did notice, reminiscent of Corbyn changing his attacks on “millionaires” to “billionaires”, the Labour Party is now on a mission to beat those evil “trillionaires”. After realising the term millionaires encompassed quite a powerful section of the Labour Party, Corbyn quickly switched his stance, especially as it was pointed out that he would fall under that category. Labour have now decided their mates might be included in the billionaire category, so they’ve had to step up.

Then onto the main act, Deputy Leader Angela Rayner, a woman who talks like her brain is trying to do her shopping list whilst her mouth is trying to talk politics. She managed to delight us all with her talk of “Tory Scum”. Once the backlash started, “our Ange” was quick to tell everyone she just meant Boris, she obviously assumed we were as stupid as she is. Not the first time her mouth has got her into trouble, only this time she isn’t apologising for it. Instead, our “Queen of the Norf” explained that all of us northerners are actually quite common and spend our time calling everyone we meet “scum”. Which is nice, an entire swathe of the country denounced as uncouth simpletons, just to make Ange look like one of the people. Charming. As a northerner, I’d like to point out, we’re not all that vulgar and most people can be quite civilised up here. Some of us even vote Conservative.

The party stuck to its tradition of ejecting people – one a journalist and one a Jewish person – from a Jewish fringe event, although both were allowed back in once the mistake had been rectified whole of Twitter had seen it and the media were busy nosing around for a story.

My personal favourite highlight of the conference was shadow chancellor Rachel Reeves announcing that on the off-chance Labour get elected this side of the millennium, they will create a new “Office of Value for Money” which, I note, seems to have been inspired by a subplot from ‘Yes Minister’ which ended up increasing government expenditure in order for it to be staffed properly. Labour’s policy wonks are even trolling themselves these days.

Still, it’s Tuesday now and you’d be forgiven for forgetting who the Labour leader is, given that he barely grabbed any headlines except the cervix debacle, all eyes are currently on Angela Rayner and Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham who seem to have set their stalls out for the position which will no doubt become vacant shortly.

Jon Alexander is one of the three founders of this magazine.