BY JACOB TOPOLSKI

There’s a lot of chatter about children identifying with animals these days, often labelled as ‘furries’.

Picture this scenario: It’s dinnertime, and one of my children drops a bombshell.

Seated at the table, my son declares, “Dad, I think I’m a cat!”

I gently correct him, “No, son, you’re a boy.”

But he persists, citing his friends at school who proudly identify as cats, claiming it’s his right to identify as a cat.

“You can’t stop me,” he insists.

Acknowledging his perspective, albeit with a raised eyebrow, I relent, “Alright, then.”

He presumes he has the upper hand.

As dinner progresses and the rest of the family tucks in to a delicious lasagne, my son asks about his meal. I casually nod towards the corner of the kitchen, saying, “Your dinner’s in the cat bowl. And please, get off the table; you’re not my son, you’re a cat.”

With a puzzled look, my son retreats to the corner.

Meanwhile, I turn to my wife with a grin and quip, “Shall we schedule a neutering appointment for our ‘cat’?”

With a chuckle, my wife agrees, while my son protests, “What?”

Clarifying our stance, I guide him towards the door, explaining our preference not to have a household feline. “Head to the barn and deal with all the rats,” I instruct.

Initially bewildered, my son glances outside at the darkness, hesitates a short while before quickly asserting his true identity:

“Dad, I think I’m a boy again!”

Relieved, I nod, “Indeed you are. Now, sit down and enjoy your dinner and the rest of your life.”

If only other parents were as robust, there would be no moral-relativist, subjective, Marxist tosspots left on the planet. The West would not be in decline. Biden would be in a residential care home. China would get into line. Russia would have democratised and become a successful nation. South America would be booming. Environmental problems would be fixed pragmatically with technology. The state would be small and manageable. Immigration would be sorted. Fat, ugly people would stay off the front cover of Vogue. Universities would enlighten rather than propagandise. No-one would give a damn about anyone’s colour or religion. Extremist Islamism, which heavily borrowed from Marxist and post-colonial Western thought to become a conveyor belt for terrorism, would be tamed. Extinction Rebellion would be a skit on Little Britain. The BBC would stand for the words in its name. JK Rowling would just be an authoress. The trains and tubes (driverless) would run strike-free. And Gary Lineker would only gas on about football.

What a wonderful world that would be …

Jacob Topolski is a teacher from Perth.