A Builder’s Lament


Just a quick one mate. As you know, I’m not one for complaining or sucking my teeth but I have a couple of tiny problems. I’m good with lions but I really haven’t spent much time with bears. I’m not entirely sure that I have room for even a tame one in my caravan, but you know best.

I’m really grateful for the work because things have been a bit tight for a few years. I’m sure your place will look much prettier when we have finished and it is great to have a real budget for an upgrade for a change. I have managed to find bucket loads of builders who are more than happy to help with the back wall and I’ve had a look at the pictures in the catalogue you sent me. The ‘Guatemalan’ is a peach and the  ‘Abu Dis’ is very impressive. The problem with the ‘Berliner’ is it doesn’t last if rock stars start to stand on it. If this isn’t a problem let me know.

Putting it up is doable but the bill makes even me shudder mate I have to tell you. Still it’s your cash. I am not completely convinced you can stop anything burrowing under it if they are determined but maybe if we make the foundations deep enough and leave a few gaps for them to come through they won’t bother.

The real problem is the giant clock you want to incorporate into it. It’s great to be able to tell the time in the garden and the ‘Knight’s Watch’ looks excellent but it can be prone to problems. I know you are keen to have it but, when winter comes I can tell you it is hard to keep it maintained. There are a few guys I could put you in touch with who can do it but they aren’t cheap and they tend to have their own ideas.

The workshops you want restored are a much easier proposition. I can make them look pucker and I hope that you can find people to help get them going again. You could make some really good things but if you don’t mind my saying so people like stuff that is built to last rather than throwaway nowadays so you might want to bear that in mind.

On the subject of bears I have a client who seems to like them. He has an odd taste in trousers but is a pleasant enough bloke. Maybe you should give him a call?

Best wishes


Composed by a our new satirist Amanda Huggenquis. img_0172

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