BY SAM WHITE
The 45th president of the United States, Dark Overlord Donald J Trump, has been in office for one hundred days and, against all the odds, Cthulhu hasn’t been summoned, the universe remains in existence, and cats and dogs are not, last time I checked, getting married and living together. Despite the perspiration drenched terror surrounding the Donald’s inauguration, we’ve survived.
Of course, there may yet be armed conflict with North Korea, dragging in China and Russia and leading to a Threads-like nuclear apocalypse, centred on Sheffield, but if anyone can survive such a scenario with their spirits intact and no moping about, it’s the good people of Yorkshire.
In honour of Trump’s centennial day in office, the Guardian, that bastion of impartiality, cool reason, and positive thinking, spoke to some actual, real Americans to get their thoughts. Strangely, their reporter was unable to get hold of even a single Trump voter.
Wondering if there really are no Trump supporters in the US, I investigated and found, shockingly, that the Guardian is correct, there are only Democrats in America. How Clinton lost is a mystery.
On the subject of the first hundred days, here are the brave, left-liberal opinions I managed to garner from some of those selfless progressives weathering the storm across the pond.
“Our charity organisation has increased the amount of support it’s giving to minorities and marginalised people. It’s not enough to simply ally with LGBT+N^3 communities, I’m now actually patrolling my neighbourhood and forcibly administering hormone blockers to androgynous teenagers. I’ve realised that there are many oppressed minorities who don’t get the recognition they need, and whose identities are in dire existential threat. I’m talking about left handed people, bookish types who aren’t good at sports, and bad drivers. These people need protection. And hormone blockers.” Miguel, New York.
“I’m staying indoors and monitoring the media. I take in Salon, Slate, The Guardian, Buzzfeed, Vox, Everyday Feminism. Everything I need to get a broad range of opinions, and I can tell you, there is a total media consensus. He’s bad. Just really, really bad.” Sandra, Colorado.
“I’ve entered a mental institution and am now on a high dose of anti-psychotics. I tried art therapy but all I could paint was cubist interpretations of Trump sodomizing liberal progressive world leaders. The one with Justin Trudeau was really good, but it all got too much and I burned the studio down. As the smoke rose I saw in it Donald’s face, and Melania too, and they were chanting in unison that we were going to nuke Pyongyang, and not to worry because Kim Jong-Un’s missiles were made of papier mache and China thinks he’s a dick anyway, and it all felt so goddamn good.” Anderson, Michigan.
“I meditate, deeply. Really, profoundly, deeply meditate, for most of the day. Aided by barbiturates. I’m torn with worry about my children’s future. Partly because I’ve become addicted to barbiturates and can’t take care of them anymore, but mainly because I fear that the US is going to end up like either 1984 or The Handmaid’s Tale. I haven’t actually read them, but I’m told repeatedly by self-important liberal arts majors with little real world experience that that’s where we’re headed. They mention Harry Potter a lot too, which doesn’t seem so bad, but then I’ve only seen the films.” Selena, Oregon.
“I surround myself with people who agree with me and we aggressively dehumanize outsiders. People say that it’s bad to insulate yourself in a bubble in this way, but I disagree. We’ve come up with some amazing ideas which we’d never have had if we’d actually engaged with Trump supporters. Like, for example, we’ve legitimised political violence. So, we said ‘it’s ok to punch a Nazi’, right? And then we’ve basically expanded the definition of Nazi to mean anyone we disagree with. So, we can punch anyone! There’s just no way we’d have thought of that if we weren’t in a bubble, so how the hell can you say bubbles are a bad thing? They make you really creative. I just wish I was better at punching.” Yasmin, California.
“I realise I have to engage with people who don’t agree with me. We all share this country, and we need to find a space in which to move forward together, recognising our shared humanity. So now, when I encounter despicable Trump-voting filth, I don’t spit on the floor and walk away in disgust like I used to, I take the higher path instead, and generously suffer their toxic ranting and reprehensible opinions, safe in the knowledge that I’m a better person than they can ever hope to be. This is called tolerance and understanding, and it’s how we’ll grow as people. That’s if Trump supporters can learn to do it too. Which they can’t, because they’re scum. Peace.” Jack, Washington DC.