BY JAMES BEMBRIDGE

One cannot browse Tory Twitter without noticing a disturbing lack of diversity among its younger members. Predictably, a great deal of them are of the now proscribed ‘male and pale’ variety. Less predictable, though, is how many happen to be avowed homosexuals.

This would be unusual for any party, let alone an allegedly conservative one. Strange then that no one has cared to ask how this insurgence came about? Perhaps many would not have been conservative had LGBT Labour not been colonised by a cohort of deviants and misfits? A party now replete with washed-up comedians who in their twilight years disgraced themselves to dress like some tawdry tart; men more masculine than most claiming to be women without even caring to dress like them, and, of course, the chronic irritant that is Owen Jones. (Yes, I did just say all that. Don’t worry. I’m kryptonite. Yes, you guessed it, I am a gay Tory too.)

Unless they wish to cash in on whatever political coinage homosexuality still affords – an ever-diminishing currency, as it happens – then conservative gays will go about their business as normal members, so to speak.

The same cannot be said of the left-wing gays who have reconciled themselves to a life of political serfdom. They are a strange sort, luddite in thought and near lemming-like in nature. They seem irrevocably committed to left-wing activism which – it is true – won gays our rights, but now leaves our leftie looking friends decidedly dated, if not a tad desperate and perverted, as if they are pushing the boundaries too far.

There are few sights more tragic than that of the effete fag with his affected lisp and facile interests. To see them operate – and I use that word deliberately – one gets the impression these pitiful figures aren’t human at all but rather walking husks of sitcom stereotypes. Silent starlets striving for relevance in a time of talkies. Perhaps it is this that arouses their fury towards conservatives, the envy of seeing ‘normal’ acting gays such as Tim Dawson, Darren Grimes and Iain Dale being listened to and read, whilst they themselves remain in a purgatory of tired performative camp.

‘Conservative gays are traitors’ has become something of a guiding maxim amongst LGBT organisations and publications, none more so than the reliably cretinous Pink News, who only last week ran with this somewhat editorialised headline: ‘Queer men to forgo their morals this November with a thumping 45 per cent vowing to back Donald Trump’. Brave of them to speak on matters of morality when only last year they afforded several puff pieces to that shell-suited shrimp who took money from a regime which prefers to pull their puffs to pieces. They have become, like so many progressive publications, tyranny masquerading as decency.

The abundance of civil rights now enjoyed by gays means the younger ones feel neither obliged nor tied to that hellish matrimony of cynical Marxists and naïve liberals who fought to give them said rights. But as the Left will now, at every opportunity, pay reverence to anti-Western despots and dictators – with a special penchant for the Islamist flavour – then why should they? I surmise it is fair to assume that innate racism within gays has no correlation to objecting to being thrown headlong from a building.

Another reason why gays reject progressivism is humour. Irreverent and sardonic humour seems to be a homosexual trait, no subject is considered too serious not to be subjected to mordant mockery. This is of course in direct conflict with the puritanism of the Left that sees streams of subjects protected from comedy by ‘hate crime’ legislation.

If, for instance, the Scottish hate crime bill goes through, then it will seek to target those famously far-right thespians. Even subjects not protected by law are spoken of so tepidly by the liberal cultured class these days that it is made clear that to joke about them would not be the ‘done thing’. Gays loathe nothing more than some po-faced prig who takes it upon him or herself (usually herself) to lecture them with that characteristic stare of pious fury. Of course, gays are in the fortunate position of having quite a good idea of where to tell these bores to go and stuff their pious cant.

Then there are the LGBTQIAZKPO++ drones, chiefly comprised of people yet to reach 20 years of age – as we know, the left like to start with them young. They can be found in various events that have some tenuous claim to civil rights but are really just an excuse for them to congregate en masse, festooned in rainbow memorabilia as if the lurid colours were a surrogate for a personality. Though it is easy to confuse them, these are quite a different species to the Labour Luddite gay. Some can speak quite normally and without any hint of a gay twang, but the problem is, they don’t speak, at least not really. It is perhaps no coincidence that their rainbow capes give them the appearance of a parrot – parrot is all they do, uttering ‘inclusivity’, ‘diversity’, ‘hate speech’, ‘here and queer’ ‘colonialism’ and other such fatuities. It is as if they have had a lobotomy and the humour bored out of them.

Take this parrot who plays football for Canada (eek, apologies, fraternity, for ever mentioning the f word):

“We created this rigidity that anyone who goes against the white colonial depiction of what it is to be a woman is getting excluded from our sports realms and I don’t think that’s fair, I think that’s taking away opportunity and joy from a variety of people.”

What a pile of monotonous rot! He/they/she may have been playing a recording from Stonewall.

It is in a way politically advantageous for the Conservatives to have the largest gay base of any party. The Left can hardly shriek about section 28 when Facebook Conservative groups are practically Grindr – only with young men on stable incomes. The only worrying issue is who is going to rear the next generation of conservatives? Might one suggest that the few remaining straight Tories take up the Catholic faith and take some lessons in building large families from Jacob Rees-Mogg?

James Bembridge is Deputy Editor of Country Squire Magazine.