An Open Letter to Michael Gove: What Did You Really Do in Washington?


Dear Mr Gove,

Although you are extremely busy, I feel that you should know of a scurrilous notion regarding your recent visit to Washington. It is doing the rounds in certain social media circles that you attended the annual Build-a-Bear convention, which as you know is an obsession of conspiracy theorists, who believe in a New World Order policed by microchip-implanted teddy bears.

For the sake of transparency, could you assure the British public that in fact you were at an entirely different event in the capitol? I understand that you were actually at a meeting of some important people known as Bilderbergers, where you were working on more earthly pursuits such as a global digital identity, pandemic lockdown regime and central crypto currency. I feel that a ‘fact check’ needs to be issued by your department to quash rumours that you were secretly plotting to take over the world with the sinister Build-a-Bear cabal.

These simultaneous gatherings seem to have confused some gullible conspiracists on the internet. I cannot imagine that you would have missed the opportunity to work with such illustrious figures as Henry Kissinger, the King of Holland, Dutch prime minister Mark Rutte, our very own shadow foreign secretary David Lammy, alongside trusted international bankers (a.k.a. masters of the universe).

I am confident that your Washington trip was a productive use of your ministerial time. Most importantly you were sitting down with financial fatcats, upon whom we rely to keep the good ship UK afloat. I note for example the presence of former EU chief Jose Manuel Barros, now chairman of Goldman Sachs International, and Mark Sedwill, chairman of Atlantic Futures Forum and a senior advisor to the Rothschild Bank. The latter, of course, was head of the Civil Service until a spat with Boris Johnson over a ‘no deal’ Brexit. It is heartening to see such men continue their public service after retiring from politics.

The world would be a better place if more talented politicians such as yourself were running the banks. I doubt whether this works in the other direction. I see that Mark Carney, former governor of the Bank of England, is keen to stand for the Liberal Party in Canada. Perhaps you should suggest to Mr Carney that the country is being run perfectly well by Justin Castreau.

The Canadians, indeed, are at the vanguard of the marriage between banks and government. You would have surely conversed with Chrystia Freeland, who also graced the Bilderberg table. Ms Freeland cut off criminals’ access to their ill-gotten gains, by stopping the flow of donations to the insurrectionist truckers’ convoy, and froze the bank accounts of supporters. We need similar decisiveness here, as the British people are fed up with being held back by crusty old lefties and country bumpkins who are stuck in the last century. Don’t be timid, Mr Gove!

Finally, I was impressed that Albert Bourla was there. The CEO of Pfizer, whose miracle cure for Covid-19 must be the most remarkable act of philanthropy in the history of commerce, is on a mission to wipe out death and disease. Key to this, as I’m sure that you will have pursued with Mr Bourla over canapés, is a universal health pass. Soon it will seem quaint that we were allowed to travel without the authorities knowing our full medical history.

Perhaps the cynics claiming that you were on the other sides of the Beltway, plotting a smart bear surveillance system, simply misheard. The soft toy slogan to ‘build better bears’ sounds similar to your repeated pledge to ‘build back better’. Oh, how they make things up in their little minds. Disgracefully, they imply your connivance with a shadowy organisation, probably a front for the Illuminati, with a suspicious lack of media coverage and minutes of its proceedings. They are not meeting just to brainstorm on new shades of fur!

If I am mistaken, and you did in fact visit Build-a-Bear, I hope that this was merely a brief appearance to buy gifts. First on your list, I guess, would have been a Boris-style teddy for Carrie. As a man of the highest integrity you will declare this on expenses – I shudder to think of the price charged for this new line of 5G-capable bears. But this nonsense of a Great Reset, with you as willing accomplice, must be put back in its box.