BY ROGER WATSON

With what could be described as typical German efficiency the technicians had me mic’d up well in advance. I had my jacket taken off and the bottom button of my shirt undone. The wireless relay was attached to the back of my trousers and the wire to the microphone inserted under my shirt and up to the collar where it was clipped near the top of the shirt. I was helped to put my jacket back on without dislodging any of the technology.

I was in Munich to deliver the opening keynote to a conference of around 300 nurse educators. The lecture hall was beginning to fill and the chair of the conference was going over his introduction and checking a few points in the biopic that I had sent in advance. My PowerPoints were on the desktop of the computer on the lectern and, so that I was not trapped behind the lectern, I had ensured that the remote slide changer was working.

It was one of those lecture theatres I like very much. It was large, probably 500 seats and these were banked up steeply in front of the stage. These types of theatres create a kind of intimacy and you can easily make eye contact with members of the audience.

Time slipped past slowly as we moved to the top of the hour and the start of the day’s proceedings. We had about five minutes to go. All I needed to do was to pay a quick visit to the loo and I’d be ready for my introduction and then to make a start to my speech.

I asked where to go and a technician pushed an invisible panel on the back wall of the stage which, he said, led to a toilet. To get back in I simply had to pull on the panel from the other side. All went well, I had a quick pee, washed my hands and dried them under the hot air hand drier and I was ready to go. I blew my nose, just to make sure all my tubes were clear and returned to the door behind the stage. I was far from prepared for what happened next.

I pulled open the door and stepped through on to the back of the stage. The chair person was doubled up and the audience erupted into hysterical laughter. I wondered if they had a stand-up comedian warming up the audience for the day. But no. It turned out that the joke was me.

Before attaching the relay to my trousers, the technician slid the switch on the top and the red light came on. Seeing the worried look on my face he assured me not to worry as he had not yet turned on the amplifier and would do so just before my speech. I was free to converse with those around me without my casual conversation being relayed to the audience.

Despite assurances that the amplifier was not turned on, and it was not when I went to the loo as I checked, an over-diligent technician had decided in my absence that it ought to be turned on. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

Well, only my copious stream splashing into the bowl accompanied by any other sounds I may have made, me washing my hands and undoubtedly humming some inane tune and then, like a grand finale to my performance, the hand drier coming over loud and clear on the PA system. Finally, by way of an ovation, there was me blowing my hooter within about an inch of the mic attached to my shirt.

Never let it be said that the Germans have no sense of humour. I dined out on the incident that evening, deciding to embrace it rather than be embarrassed. Many frothy steins later, all proffered by busty fräuleins in traditional dirndl dresses, I returned to my hotel…somehow.

I have learned never to get mic’d up too far in advance of a speech, to make sure I visit the loo well before any such thing takes place and never to trust a technician who says to me ‘Don’t worry!’

Still, it could have been worse. I could have been whistling Colonel Bogey.

Roger Watson is a Registered Nurse and Editor-in-Chief of Nurse Education in Practice.