BY ROGER WATSON
Could dick pics be useful?
At last, a subject worthy of consideration by the fine minds that constitute the readership of Country Squire Magazine.
We have recently seen the trouble that sharing photographs of one’s genitals can get a man into.
William Wragg MP has become infamous for sharing pictures of his honourable member on the gay dating app Grindr. Quite what a man in his position was thinking when he did this is hard to fathom and, almost like night follows day, his stupidity was used to blackmail him and to obtain the contact details of other MPs.
But the humble ‘dick pic’ may soon be elevated from the depths of depravity to the highest echelons of medical science as a diagnostic tool (no pun intended) and not just as a diagnosis of extreme narcissism verging on misogyny.
My story begins in the Lingjian night market in Taipei…
Along with the snake sellers and purveyors of other stomach churning delicacies there is a booth behind which sits a man surrounded by bottles of the powders and potions that are the hallmark of the TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) practitioner. Behind him there is a huge display of photographs of penises in every possible state of inflammation, infection and deformation.
It does not take long to work out that the man is a dick doctor specialising in the treatment (I hesitate to say cure) of all manner of sexually transmitted diseases. He has been there for years so he must have customers. I have not seen a single person in his shop; perhaps the actual treatments are administered elsewhere. But you do see the occasional man, looking a little bit the worse for wear, pondering the photographs presumably making a mental note of the lurid details and wondering if one of these conditions explains the discomfort he is experiencing in his undercarriage. Perhaps on his recent visit to Miss Lay Mi Dao’n in Bangka District (again no pun intended, I hear that is one of the red light districts of Taipei) he got more than he intended.
Well, it turns out that the dick doctor of Lianjian night market and his colleagues in other similar venues may soon have to adapt. Their trademark collections of pictures of pustulating penises will soon be redundant thanks to an app that has been designed by a company called Calmara. The app, according to Calmara, enables the user to take a picture of his own winkie, upload it and then obtain a response which indicates whether or not he has the dreaded pox or if he is fit to stand to attention for another day.
It is just impossible to make stuff like this up.
Described as ‘Your intimate bestie for safer sex’ the Calmara webpage, from where you can obtain the app by scanning a QR code, demonstrates what it is all about in a sidebar video which makes copious use of bananas. The message is clear, if you’re about to embark on a night out with a ‘hot date’ you can check if you’re good to go. A quick pic is all it takes. If there are any black bits on your banana, which is how the video depicts it, you need to think again.
One article about Calmara even suggests that women may find a use for the app. If you’re a lady on a Tinder date, for example, and you have your doubts about a chap’s state of genital health then Calmara quickly comes to the rescue (again no p…). Get him ‘up to speed’ as it were but before permitting entry into any orifices you can take a quick pic of the aroused appendage.
He thinks he’s got a souvenir hunter on his hands and is already planning his second date. Meantime, you’re uploading the picture to see if his banana has any black bits. If it does, it’s no entry and back to Tinder.
Of course, from a medical perspective, Calmara is a complete waste of time. They even advise users that it is not a replacement for medical advice. In that case, what on earth is the point?
Sexually transmitted diseases are notorious for being asymptomatic, up to a point. They remain dormant for a while thus ensuring that the unsuspecting infected person continues to spread his (or her) favours until they realise that slight discomfort in the nether regions may be more than a sweat rash. The app reportedly ‘struggled to distinguish between inanimate objects and human genitals, issuing a cheery “Clear!” to images of both a novelty penis-shaped vase and a penis-shaped cake.’
Here at Country Squire Magazine we discourage the practice of recording and sharing images of one’s genitals on a mobile phone and strongly advocate strong monogamous marriage as the best way of protecting yourself against sexually transmitted diseases. On the other hand, if you simply cannot resist the temptation to display your goods in advance of a prospective relationship then we recommend the GQ guide to good practice, ‘Dick pics: A modern man’s guide to sending nudes’.
Roger Watson is a Registered Nurse and Editor-in-Chief of Nurse Education in Practice.