Last week I stayed for one night at your hotel in Newbury Tot Hill. These days I am counting my pennies and your hotel topped the cheapest, respectable lodgings list in the area. I recently stayed in your hotel in Hemel Hempstead and was pleasantly surprised by the quality of your premises and the comfort of your beds. Indeed, the only facilities lacking there were a competent punkawallah and a place to do pull-ups in the shower.
On arrival at Tot Hill I was greeted by a friendly receptionist who gave me the web password without me asking, with which I was somewhat impressed. She then handed me a card detailing how I should give her and the hotel a positive review.
Instead I am writing this letter to you, somewhat publicly, so you can fix the issues that I detail hereunder:
On arrival in my room, a ground floor room with a prime view of McDonalds and the car park, I unpacked, set up my laptop for a few hours’ work and put on the England v India cricket semi which was playing on Radio 5 Live Extra, which I found easily on the television radio section a dozen channels past Babestation.
All fine so far.
As Thursday last week was a scorcher and I’d just enjoyed a working pub lunch in Hampshire, I decided to strip off and take a shower. I could not find a lock on the bathroom door but didn’t worry as I was all alone. The shower that followed was of the correct strength and temperature to fulfil its purpose.
I then returned to the bedroom area in one of your large Travelodge towels and pulled up one of your plastic red chairs, intending to switch on the kettle, have a brew and listen to Jofra Archer rip through India’s openers while I dried off.
It was then that a key turned in the hotel bedroom door, so I stood up, the towel dropped and the one portion plastic milk pot that I was trying to open splashed on my — well, let’s not go there.
I did not clock the intruder. There was no knock. I assume they were female as the ‘oh, oh, gosh, I am so sorry’ was of a higher pitch than most men I know could ever manage.
I am ashamed to say that, as I — milked — stumbled from the chair to take cover behind the wall alongside the room’s double bed, your towel tripped me and I did emit some foul, Anglo Saxon vernacular in the direction of the intruder.
Let’s give Travelodge the benefit of the doubt and assume that your firm does not give keys to thieves. I presume this room invader was the receptionist, perhaps rather overzealously pursuing a review? They were not from the cleaning department as the room was hitherto spick and span.
Either which way, the privacy I had enjoyed in your Travelodge room for less than an hour was quickly shattered. I felt the need thereafter to barricade the bedroom door with your plastic red chairs — I was getting flashbacks from a hotel stay in 2003 in Honduras — and that night I slept very badly indeed, only partly because of England’s dreadful batting collapse in Guyana.
I look forward to hearing back from you via the contact page of this magazine (a publication that I happen to edit). You will see from the confirmation code 1588026884 that the room was booked by my secretary and I have stayed at your hotels in the recent past.
This milky experience will not be a deal breaker if you respond well. I shall update this letter with your reply and, should it pass muster, I shall publish it in the pages of this magazine.
Yours faithfully,
Dominic Wightman
Dominic Wightman is the Editor of Country Squire Magazine and the author of Dear Townies and Arcadia amongst other books.
UPDATE:
Jamal Ahmed from Travelodge was kind enough to get in touch:
“We understand that privacy is a very important aspect of a customer’s experience when staying with us. I am sorry to hear that one of our colleagues disturbed you.
Although this doesn’t take away from the fact you were disturbed we wanted to reassure you we have raised this. This will make sure there is minimal risk of this happening in the future.
I have ensured that our management team have been made aware of your comments, and we would like for you to come back to stay with us again in the near future.
If you would like to come and stay again, I would like to offer you a complimentary breakfast on a future booking with us, for any of our UK hotels.”
End of the matter.
Fair enough.