BY JOHN NASH
It is that time of year, when poisonous mushrooms suddenly re-erupt all over the place without warning and this year many are, as in the past, infected by a particularly stubborn pathogen.
Despite dying instantly when exposed to the bright light of truth, and regardless of being repeatedly stamped out, a damnable scourge continues to re-emerge again and again.
I refer to the highly toxic CBTH* virus that was secretly developed, not in a laboratory, but in 2018, inside the rectum of the political parasite Charlatanus Eduardus Gonçalviensis (better known among mycologists and Countryfolk as “The Sticky Fingered Deceiver”), who concocted it together with WWF guru Jean-Paul Jeanrenaud, lost old explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes OBE and the gobby thesp, Peter Egan, source of more hot air pollution than Drax.
CBTH virus is a terrible brain-rotting variant of M-Pox that rapidly makes a monkey out of its victims. Research shows that rural people and those with common sense and intelligence are usually immune to it, but it spreads rapidly among urbanites, especially those already affected by bunny-huggery, veganism and the latest pandemics of wokery and pernicious LAME (Look At Me Everyone) making many MPs and Celebrities particularly vulnerable.
The national and provincial gutter press is a known vector with a notable infectious epicentre inside the Mirror. Symptoms include rectolalia (speaking from the anus), topophobia (a hatred or fear of anything rural), ecobabbling (emitting nature-related infantile gibberish) and the distressing Narcissistic-Mandela-Attenborough Syndrome (speaking ambitiously on behalf of all Africans and all of nature without a shred of understanding).
On October 23rd, the pathogenic CBTH produced another of its eminent Typhoid Marys in the body of one Melanie Verwoerd (pictured above), the “granddaughter of the architect of apartheid” no less (she married his grandson, actually). She was featured prominently in the Mirror thus:
“One of South Africa’s top conservationists has urged the UK Government to ban trophy hunting imports to stop this colonial practice” – words that entirely and coincidentally echo those found in a Chris Packham rant earlier in the week.
Verwoerd told the Mirror:
I speak on behalf of millions of South Africans and Africans – many of whom are scientists and academics – who find this practice absolutely abhorrent and horrible and want it to stop. We would like the British Government to take a lead in help us to stop this colonial practice. We understand that they can’t dictate what African countries do on home soil, but we do understand that they can help by shutting down import of trophies to Britain”.
How absolutely amazing – that’s exactly what Gonçalves’ willing donkeys all said in Parliament last year – what an astonishing coincidence. (Meanwhile, in the real world, a unilateral import ban is, de facto, an unfair trade ban imposed on the exporter).
Melanie speaks CBTH inversion scrote, of course – rural Africans in remote hunting areas love and welcome trophy hunters because they employ locals, pay well, do all the hard work of hunting, take home the inedible (trophy) bits of animals that Africans throw away, yet they leave all the precious free-range meat for the locals.
As ex-South African ambassador to Ireland and ex-Director of UNICEF Ireland, poor Melanie probably doesn’t get to eat a lot of elephant or wildebeest, let alone many cane rats. As a prominent Assembly Member of the kleptocratic ANC/Communist Party alliance, she was disowned by her husband’s family as a renegade. Clearly unpopular with her ex-family, how did the Africans, who the Mirror assures us “she represents”, express their undying appreciation and gratitude for her brave stance on their behalf?
In The Bullrushes, Emmanuel Koro, African reporter, Johannesburg wrote, “Totally unknown by all the hunting communities which she claims to represent, South Africa’s Melanie Verwoerd was this week disowned by residents of her own country South Africa, and Southern African hunting communities. They were reacting to the British newspaper, The Mirror’s article in which Melanie Verwoerd lied that she represents millions of South Africans and Africans”. Oh dear, perhaps the Mirror, being Gonçalves’ vuvuzela, should better reflect its accuracy and change its strapline from, “The heart of Britain” to “The fart of Britain”.
What else did the surprised Africans say about their “representative”?
“We denounce, disown, and dismiss Melanie Verwoerd as an individual who doesn’t represent the interests of South African hunting communities, including other Southern African hunting communities” (Secretary-General, Lourence Mogakane, The Community Association of South Africans in Natural Resources, CASA Nature).
Try the Chairman, Dr Rogers Lubilo, of the Southern African Community Leaders Network (CLN), representing a mere 20 million residents of 12 Southern African countries’ hunting communities, “This not only undermines African conservation sovereignty but threatens the livelihoods and sustainable conservation practices that our communities have worked to secure.” Well done, Mirror. Good work, Packrat.
Botswana’s Chieftainess Rebecca Banika of one of that country’s richest hunting communities, Pandamantega, also dismissed, denounced, and disowned the Mirror’s “Top Conservationist”, by saying, “Melanie Verwoerd is lying. We know nothing about her, she is not our spokesperson and she knows nothing about what is happening in hunting communities”.
Incidentally, that sounds like a fair description of the Sticky Fingered Deceiver, Goncalves, too.
Meanwhile, in Zimbabwe, “Unfortunately, Melanie Verwoerd’s lies will bring a lot of confusion and harm to Southern Africa’s sustainable use focused wildlife management through international hunting.” said Ishmael Chaukura, Executive Director of the Community Campfire Association of Zimbabwe and a resident of one of the richest and pioneer CAMPFIRE District Council, Guruve. It’s where wildlife hunting revenue built the Masoka Secondary School that has produced medical doctors, teachers, nurses, accountants, and technicians. Needless to say, a “spokesman for the CBTH” helpfully added to observations, “These (trophy hunts) are not industries that benefit African communities”.
My advice is, Dear Reader, if you hate lightning, don’t stand near honest Packham, virtuous Melanie, scrupulous Goncalves or the trustworthy Mirror.
Of course, reality in Africa and the voices of its rural people will be totally ignored in the UK Parliament, where our beloved politicians only get to hear what they are allowed to hear and read what they are allowed to read, especially now the Riverside Asylum has become the HQ of Comrade Starmer’s Comintern. But it was still extremely sad to see a Conservative MP, David Reed, succumb to the cordyseps-like CBTH virus when, on 21st October, blissfully unaware that he has been invaded by this awful zombie virus, he showed the House his Private Member, the undead Hunting Trophies (Import Prohibition) Bill 2024-26.
To see a brave ex-SAS soldier overwhelmed by such a miserable civvy mental virus, purposely spread by a motley collection of pious morons who are not even worthy of battlefield cannon fodder, is heartbreaking. He should have a word with his SAS mates.
And you thought this whole anti-trophy thing was about public opinion, democracy and ethics? You must be ‘avin’ a giraffe.
John Nash grew up in West Cornwall and was a £10 pom to Johannesburg in the early 1960’s. He started well in construction project management, mainly high-rise buildings but it wasn’t really Africa, so he went bush, prospecting and trading around the murkier bits of the bottom half of the continent. Now retired back in Cornwall among all the other evil old pirates. His interests are still sustainable resources, wildlife management and the utilitarian needs of rural Africa. John is the co-author of Dear Townies with the Editor.