BY PAUL T HORGAN
2am, 2 February, 2026, London:
Buckingham Palace announced today that, in the light of recent revelations discovered in the Epstein Files released by the US Department of Justice, the Prince of Darkness would have his title revoked.
Peter Dark-Ness, as he will now be called, was found to have continued his association with the untimely deceased millionaire paedophile after said person had been convicted for sex offences, a Palace spokesman said.
The spokesman went on to explain that, while the former Prince was not related to the Royal Family in any formal manner, the title had existed for centuries and was ritually conferred upon numerous individuals to whom darkness appeared to concentrate. Previous holders had been persons such as Justice Jeffries, Charles Augustus Howell, Maundy Gregory, Horatio Bottomley, Brendan Bracken, and David Frost (not the current Tory peer, the other one).
Created in the fifteenth century, the title ‘Prince of Darkness’ had originally been held by ambitious infanticidalist Richard, Duke of Gloucester in the 1450s before being separated from the Royal Family when this first holder – who had promoted himself by then to the position of King Richard III – foolishly traded his kingdom for a horse shortly before being separated from life in battle with an upstart Welshman, who, on providing the horse, had accepted the kingdom in fair exchange.
Mr Dark-Ness, on hearing the news of being stripped of his title, and speaking from a room heavily curtained from sunlight and illuminated by far too many candles, said, “I’m a fighter, not a quitter, as is well-known by my acolytes and other followers in my iniquitous trade. Of course I am disappointed that my place in the unseeable void is no longer going to be officially recognised, but I believe that I may still be able to practice my dark arts despite this setback. Do you have to keep wearing that large crucifix when you are talking to me?”
Pulling a large Filofax of infinite black from the inside pocket of his vermilion quilted smoking jacket decorated with an inverted pentagram on its left breast pocket, he continued, “I have an established brand of purveying darkness, and I will not be mellowing to be just sombre. Grey is simply not slimming. As you can see, I have a large number of contacts and associates upon whom I can call such as, oh, well, not him, oh, and they don’t seem to have got back to me, er, and these ones don’t seem to need my particular style of assistance any more, oh, and them, well, they are far too beyond the pale and I don’t want to paid in Rials, anyway, well, I am sure that when the accumulated dust of centuries settles, I will be able to be of service to numerous people in exchange for their eternal souls, now can you excuse me, I need to have a lie-down in my crypt. The banshee will see you out.”
Arrangements for Mr Dark-Ness to testify before a US Congressional Inquiry are still ongoing, and it is understood that a special midnight sitting on or around late October/early November is seen as the best conjunction with the unnatural forces of the underworld, and also by which time all trace of garlic can be removed from the Capitol. It is understood Dark-Ness will be flying solo to Washington, without the use of an aeroplane. When there it is believed he will be forbidden from marking his territory in his traditional manner. “We cannot give over any more boroughs to the service of evil when Congress is in session.”, explained a Washington DC official.
The Palace has also advised that, while the post of Prince of Darkness is currently vacant, there are numerous hopefuls and that a decision on who will be the next one would be determined in the coming months by a process of “natural unholy selection”, upon which time a column of black smoke will emanate from a Royal Chimney set up for the purpose.
Bela Lugosi is still dead.
Paul T Horgan worked in the IT Sector. He lives in Berkshire.