BY SAM WHITE
The cry from the left is unmistakable now: free speech is dangerous, and to support it marks you out as a suspicious individual. Naturally, you wouldn’t want to be added to any hit lists of people who favour free expression, so best just to grab a pitchfork and hope the mob doesn’t intuit your thought crimes.
A particular favourite of vapid hipster conformists is to implicitly support the de facto reinstatement of blasphemy laws. You have to be very careful with this one though. Stick up for the wrong religion and you’ll be thrown to the wolves. Crucially, to be part of this odd crowd, you must be fearfully respectful only of Izlam and the Prophet MacHamed, while showing utter contempt for the stupid bloody Christians and their church fetes.
The choice way to broadcast your subscription to the fashionably authoritarian new-left mindset is to wait for the next jihadi terror attack to occur, and then express no criticism whatsoever of the terrorists. Do not connect jihadi terror attacks with Izlam. In fact, if possible you should avoid mentioning the terror attack at all, and instead declare an all-consuming, visceral loathing toward former stockbroker Nigel Farage, who now represents the ‘far right’.
Please note that the calling cards of the contemporary English far right are the enjoyment of fishing trips, being photographed holding pints of beer, and wearing blazers. What absolute future-stealing b’stards.
If you’re concerned that you might be dangerously far-right yourself, then answer this question: Do you think Nigel Farage should be sentenced to thirty years hard labour for wrongthink? If your answer is no, then I’m sorry to say that you’re a fashisht.
Back to the blasphemy though. As a good progressive, should you become aware of right wing infidels disrespecting the Holy Kerran’g, violating sharia, or expressing the slightest concern about any aspect of Izlam—even trivial non-issues like throwing gay people off tall buildings—then you must immediately call them out as bigots and racists. Everyone who breaks your rules is either a bigot or a racist, and letting them know about it will signal unequivocally that you are a devout liberal believer, while causing intellectual disorientation in the target of your politically halal verbal stoning.
On the subject of stonings, taking ideological transgressors and executing them to death is unfortunately not currently allowed in the UK, because of all the ignorant kafir in charge of shit. But don’t worry, useful-until-such-time-as-they-shall-be-disposed-of social pressure group Hope Not Hate are campaigning to revise the bureaucracy around beheadings, public lashings, and all that Allahu Akbar stuff, so just hold on for a while.
If you’re torn on the idea of punishing unbelievers, then don’t worry, you needn’t be. It’s difficult to keep up, but the latest progressive updates iterate clearly that Western democratic freedoms are fashisht, and that in the interests of diversity and togetherness a Happy-Salafi approach to community organisation will be strived toward. Anyone opposed to the Saudi way of doing business is a Kipper and a wrong’un, and will be lashed in the public square when the Worker’s Caliphate gets properly set up.
Until then though, just stick with name calling, defamation, and rapidly deleted online death threats. If you call someone a bigot and they appear indifferent, then you can beef up the calibre of your rhetorical weaponry by prefixing the b-word with ‘right-wing’, ‘Tory’, or similar.
As in, “you don’t want to burn copies of the Sun and punch people? You bus influenced, Daily Mail reading, monocle wearing, literally alt-right, despicable Nazi bigot.”
The message we need to get out there is simple and irresistible: Join our progressive movement! For inclusivity, state censorship, and a global caliphate.