Dear Scum

BY SAM WHITE

 

Dear Lowly Scum,

Here in the universities we’ve been distressed of late, as it seems some among you think (and we use that word loosely, it’s more as if dull shapes wooze into existence at the bottom of your lizard brains) that there is some kind of left-wing, pro-EU bias in our institutions of study.

It pains us to have to explain this—not least because you’re unlikely to have the intellectual capacity to process it—but of course we’re all left-wing and pro-EU, for a very simple reason: those are clever people’s opinions, and we’re exceedingly clever.

We’re not biased, we’re correct.

Look, put down the pasties, leave the scratchcards alone, and think about it for a moment if you can. Intelligent people are left-wing, because left-wing people are intelligent.

Consider Brexit. What kind of deranged extremist would want to live in a completely independent, sovereign democracy? Who on earth would want their country to have full control of its own borders and laws, like almost every other country in the world? What halfwit would balk at the idea of a shared continental army? Who are these tin-foil loons pointing out that the EU is heading toward some dysfunctional approximation of federal integration, that it’s demonstrably less democratic that its member states, and that its core values appear to be disingenuity, arrogance, and self-concern?

Who the hell cares about culture, heritage, and tradition?

You want proof that the EU is a beacon of wonder, well here it is: we like it.

Then there’s the mass immigration and multi-culturalism that you’re always complaining about.

The chief of MI5 stated recently that the terror threat we face in the UK is the worst he’s ever known and escalating rapidly. Well, so what? And why are you always going on about grooming gangs with–yawn–over 1400 child victims in Rotherham alone? Why bother highlighting that Britain has never had a single successful prosecution for FGM, despite there being over 5000 cases in England last year?

What terribly unsophisticated concerns you have. Facing up to reality is so... right-wing.

We must focus instead on saying things like inclusivitydiversity, and the European project. These are very progressive words, and make us feel comfortable.

And don’t forget that we know best.

As Professor Francesca Stavrakopoulou put it:

greek bint

 And she’s right. Who can withstand the powerful logic of our magnificent, continent-sized brains?

graynob

dork

We’d also like to point out that by sending us one letter addressing a problem which definitely exists, you are engaging in a campaign of authoritarian state harassment.

Already, Britain’s finest legal minds have been imprisoned and executed. How much longer do academics and left-wing comedians have left?

snyder

But we stay strong. We’ll never give up our academic freedoms. We’ll give refuge to light entertainers and their disintegrating, tear-stained, left-liberal axioms. It’s vital that we all keep repeating themselves, day after day, month after month, until everyone feels a bit sick and even Graham Linehan calls it a day.

Nobody can stop us upholding progressive values, and if we must brainwash students, create an oppressive atmosphere opposed to dissenting opinion, and, all going well, undermine democracy and crush the fairly expressed will of 17.4 million people, then so be it. Liberalism doesn’t come easy.

We hope your simpleton intellects can process the message here. We on the left are committed to ensuring that the voices of working class people are never heard, and that their political wishes are subverted and ignored. We pledge to sneer at and ridicule the people we desperately need to vote for the same political party as us. We promise that as long as we are the voice of the left, all who question our ideas will be outgrouped and disparaged, until they never trouble us again. Then you’ll know how clever we are, as we scratch our heads and wonder how we lost another election*.

But maybe that’s all too much for you to take in, so here’s a summary:

You are scum and we hate you.

Sincerely,

Academia

(*It’s the Daily Mail’s fault.)

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