Prisoner Exchange

BY JOHN ISMAEL

Despite Labour Trotskyites like derisible Laura Pidcock, who declared she had “no intention of being friends” with any Tory MP, when you put the two parties alongside each other there is unquestionably a subset who share almost all the same politics and are neither obviously blue or red. Since, these days, the Lib Dems are a dinosaur run by a skeleton, this subset has no other party to escape to and seems very tragic and alone.

Which brings me to the idea of a Prisoner Swap to smooth the arrival of the People’s desired Brexit. A one for one deal which keeps the Conservatives in power courtesy of the DUP.

For surely Theresa May’s Government could do without the headache of the tiresome rebels: Kenneth Clarke, Nicky Morgan, Anna Soubry, Heidi Allen and Dominic Grieve. Perhaps there could be further swaps with Labour possible? They can have Sarah Wollaston, Stephen Hammond, Paul Masterton and Tom Tugendhat too. Jonathan Djanogly, Antoinette Sandbach and Jeremy Lefroy should then be asked whether they would like to stick or twist – get behind the nation or join the Britain-snipers currently dominating Labour.

In exchange, Corbyn – used to Cold War exchanges according to recent headlines – should consider moving across the likes of Frank Field and Kate Hoey to the blue team. John Mann would be welcome – he won lots of brownie points from Tories for his pursuing of Ken “Hitler” Livingstone in recent times. Ronnie Campbell and Graham Stringer can come across also. Labour can keep Dennis Skinner (and, for now, Brexiteer Kelvin Hopkins is not welcome to make the transition either).

There are some competent hypnotists available in and around Covent Garden and up on Harley Street who charge a reasonable £200 per half hour for their services. Surely it will not cost the Conservatives that many sessions to brainwash the socialism out of its new intake before they can be let loose on the public wearing blue rosettes?

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Labour won’t need the hypnotists of course. They have the likes of thugs like Josh “Red Rum” Connor (photographed), who Mr Rees Mogg recently came up against in Bristol, to keep new arrivals in line. In any case, they won’t be hanging around for too long – Momentum deselections gather apace and it’s unlikely these new arrivals will get the nod from Moscow, although Comrades Lansmann, Murray and Milne might just put in a good word for them.

Deselecting the likes of the dreadful Soubry is just not Tory behaviour. A prisoner exchange – now there’s an idea. If Labour doesn’t go for it, throw in the Speaker too – Momentum thugs would love drawing Hitler moustaches on the Lord Speaker’s art collection, not to mention watching Battleship Potemkin on his ginormous TV.

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