The Tanya Bormann Interview

Tanya Bormann is a colonialist, fictional academic from almost-made-it-to-Scotland who remoans with the worst of them. She actively courts the SNP, and frequently extols the breaking up of the Union. On top of that, she lives in some sort of strange parallel universe where EU nationals are somehow equivalent to European Jews during the holocaust, while she constantly dismisses or ignores people who point out to her that non-EU nationals routinely deal with much less favourable immigration laws without a word of complaint. She has the same consistent pattern of dealing with dissenters as other Twitter remoaners. They’ll say something in response to her, or to someone else, she’ll retweet that, and then engage in a slanging match, all the while carefully distorting anything said back to her to fit into her narrative as a ‘victim’. This will be selecting language chosen, or twisting what they’ve said, or falling back on her gender (aren’t we all equal?) if all else fails. This almost always results in her receiving an apology, which is a shame as the people involved clearly don’t know what a lightweight she is. Here, the Country Squires interrogate this fictional prof and expose her as an authority on nowt. Should Tanya actually exist, she’d be a classic case of “touch” and “bargepole” for any serious journalist or “expert” seeker – ripe for one of those freak blogging roles on The Guardian or Skwawkbox perhaps.

Q: So, Tanya, nowadays any old joint with a projector can call itself a university and thus any old muppet seems able to declare themselves a professor. Even that den of iniquity, the company Cambridge Analytica, dares name-associate with an Oxbridge university founded in 1209 and it’s based in tawdry London, where only a handful of Russell Group Universities are sited. What can we do to help differentiate between genuine academic institutions and opportunistic bullshit artists charging a fortune for teaching by “professors” who could be replaced in a heartbeat by white van drivers spouting shite after a few tins of Stella, or pretentious apes wearing Google glasses?

A: There must be a place for the intellectually impoverished to self-declare as professors or their ‘heart home’ becomes threatened. It doesn’t matter a fig that students pay thousands of pounds for edification by lightweight “academics”, as what is important is that any old chump gets the chance to fulfil their dream and help inculcate malleable, undeveloped, paying students with bile and victimhood. Meanwhile, Cambridge Analytica has done some good work for Obama, so don’t write it off. I think such a company merits the Cambridge moniker just as polytechnics and progressive kindergartens deserve the university moniker. If Cambridge Analytica avoids toxic clients like the Conservative Party and Trump, it is serving a valid purpose. Our future depends on citizens of the world making the right choices. Vote the “correct” way (Obama, Remain, Hillary etc.), all good. However, vote the “wrong” way (Trump, Brexit, Tory etc.), and you’ve been brainwashed. We must avoid brainwashing of all kinds when it achieves erroneous outcomes.

Q: Back in the day polytechnic teachers were just called teachers, no? Where’s the humility today?

A: What’s humility?

Q: What the hell is a ‘heart home’?

A: It’s a place which is so big that some people will look up to you, however deluded you are – ​and fund you for the pleasure, too. A place where you can project and rewrite without your small group of doe-eyed acolytes ever saying a bad word against you, or ever puncturing your shallow, dream world stances with vicious reality.

Q: The EUSSR is having a tough time, no? What with Brexit, the recent Austrian and Italian elections, Poles rejecting EU rulings, Hungary and the Czechs giving Juncker the up your’s, and other great nation states waking up to the fact that the EU is a German-centred racket with progeny of Nazis, like Juncker and Selamyr, in key positions of power?

A: I did not agree to be interviewed to hear such hate. How dare you show such HATE towards me. I AM A WOMAN. This is victimisation. You just raped my ears. How dare you challenge me! I simply will not tolerate any view other than that I’ve carefully constructed around my clearly tenuous ‘victim’ narrative, and any attempt to do so I vill meet with censorship, no matter what it takes. Hagiography? HAGIOGRAPHY? Ask another question so I can give an answer that suits my narrative. Now! NOW I say! Apologise now. Retract! Take down your question or I will call my fellow uppities at Stop Funding Hate and write an open letter which I will force my fellow self-professed professors to sign, apart from those mealy-mouthed, Brexiteering, wall of gammon ones. Or else!

Q: Why should the British public or your students listen to you on Brexit? No offence intended Ms Bormann, but you’re not even British. How could you possibly understand the Brits’ desire for sovereignty at whatever economic cost?

A: I have a sociology degree.

Q: Is that an ology?

A: Yes, I have an ology.

Q: You reject the idea of taking up British citizenship. Why do you dislike our Queen so much?

A: I correctly consider myself a ‘citizen of the world’ and have many ‘heart homes’.  I must be listened to by the British, who should be grateful for the illumination that comes with my upcoming celebrity presence here. But I really don’t need to subscribe to strange peculiarities like taking up citizenship, or even declaring myself loyal to this country I claim to care about yet spend so much time insulting and undermining. I would never swear loyalty to Elizabeth of England, especially now that she is a Winning Windsor rather than Battenberg, and closet Brexiteer to boot. I am a unique and special type of human being that backwards trifles such as ‘national identity’ and ‘culture’ don’t apply to, unless they fit my ‘citizen of the world’ paradigm and benefit the SNP or the Labour Party, who gloriously seek to destroy Britain.

Q: What’s your favourite painting?

A: The Mona Lisa.

Q: You claim to receive daily communications including “rape and death threats”, and so on. Can we see those please? Oddly, the police couldn’t find any record of them. 

A: (As her laptop whirrs). Oh dear, I sometimes have those blank moments when I forget my password. I’ll email them later. (Never received).

Q: Your tweets often give the impression that you think like a supremacist. You routinely respond to a journalist, or broadcaster, or someone in influence, admonish them, and then when they sadly fall into your trap by responding to you, you suggest to them that they should have you write/broadcast at whatever publication, or broadcaster they’re responsible for in order to get whatever ‘facts’ or ‘truth’ that they’ve failed to supply, and that YOU can supply. Are you really that desperate in your search for celebrity? Why? Why do YOU need to stand out so much when there are people like AC Grayling, Ian Dunt and Lord Adenoids making idiots of themselves already? Why don’t you try sporting Dame Edna Everage spectacles or do something really gross, so Big Brother spots you, perhaps?

A: I MUST be in a position to dictate to British voters for their sake. I am a messenger sent by the god of rightness. I AM an authority that Must Be Listened To. I cannot stand the fact that serious journalists and academics giggle at me. I must become more censorious, quicker to defensiveness, more spiteful, think more like an authoritarian occasionally lapsing into supremacism, and exacerbate how severely divisive and nasty I actually am. I did consider dressing up as superwoman and strumming a guitar in front of the palace of Westminster but some asshat already had that idea. I’m really worried as Otto English is really cornering the Remoaner market – he moans louder than Jill Kelly in Pussyman Auditions 12. Can I have a column? Is Big Brother recruiting? Where do I sign up? OF COURSE I’ll delete my Twitter account! I know, that makes me out to be a downright PARODY!!! Grayling is such a c***! Ian who?

Q: You have researched and presumably interviewed many of the Scots abroad for your studies. So, presumably, you’d be up for having the vote extended – having them all vote in yet another Scottish Independence Referendum?

A: Yes, but only those few of them who will vote for independence.

Q: You don’t see the irony in being simultaneously so anti-Brexit and so pro-Scottish independence?

A: What is irony?

Q: Satire means making fun of people by imitating them in ways that expose their stupidity or flaws, Tanya. As with satire, sarcasm depends on the listener or reader to be in on the joke. To distinguish irony from satire and sarcasm, remember that irony pertains to situations, while satire and sarcasm are forms of expression. Victims of satire – the genuinely dumb ones – go on Twitter campaigns to have articles removed or advertisers remove advertising from the publications that have been satirical. They send off legal threats on Jolyon Maugham letterheads. They are forever remembered as haughty dumbasses and what careers they delude themselves into thinking they have, go down in flames. Thanks for the interview, Ms Bormann. Have a splendid day, “Prof” ; )