The Ducking Stool


Don’t do it, Lord Sugar. Refuse. Point blank. You cannot win.

The charismatic Amstrad boss and erstwhile telly star of The Apprentice has landed himself in hot water of late – for tweeting ‘spicy’ memes on the internet.


How dank, as the youngsters say.

Sugar’s bosses at Creepy Uncle Beeb however were not so impressed with his antics and the modern-day mob of angry villagers holding burning torches aloft like some scene of a horror movie of yesteryear – that is Twitter – have demanded action. That old Alan should be subjected to the modern day equivalent of a witch hunt. He has been accused of (deathly drum roll please) IMPLICIT BIAS!

Shock! Horror!

It has been reported in that peculiar hangover of the last Century – the mainstream media – that this most noble Lord of the land must now take the modern-day equivalent of a medieval torture from which there is literally no guilt-free escape. The Implicit Bias Test.

Much has been written about this particularly noxious brand of progressive pseudo-science in journals far more suited and esteemed in such areas than this humble organ, though it remains to be said that these tests concocted by Leftist ideologues simply cannot be won over – no matter how shrewdly or honestly one attempts to approach them. They are engineered to make everyone guilty – which is fine if you are one of those peculiar types that want to commit to a lifetime’s psychological self-flagellation for the original sin of having had the bad luck to be born in the wrong kind of pale European skin and insist on paying the price for the historical acts of long dead and distant relations that you were unaware of having even existed. But if you happen to be that peculiar thing that used to be recognised as ‘normal’, well frankly – and if you’ll pardon the proverbial French – you truly are screwed.

There is no way to win – you are guilty either way. It doesn’t matter how you really think, nor what you really feel – the Implicit Bias test is designed to find you guilty of racism/xenophobia/homophobia/transphobia and all the phobias – all the buzzwords so favoured and weaponized by the New Puritans of the Hyperliberal Left. You are guilty as charged – there can be no innocence.

Like the Ducking Stool of yore – a punishment reserved for those accused of practising witchcraft – you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. As the craze grew in the middle ages, they even did away with the apparatus of a stool on a fulcrum and merely tied your thumb on one hand to the big toe on the opposite foot and threw you into a deep river or well. If you floated: WITCHCRAFT! They’d fish you out and burn you at the stake. And if you were lucky, your innocence would be proven by your drowning. Neat game, huh?

The only advice than can be offered to Lord Sugar is to tell them to stuff it and have his lawyers tie the BBC lawyers in a Gordian knot that will last thousands of years.

So, he made a crass joke – so what? We’ve all done it – well, unless you are a perfect Lefty postmodernist that puts each and every thought through innumerable politically correct filters before even the formation of a tentative word upon a quivering, questioning lip.

These New Puritans are a humourless bunch at the best of times – though that lack of an intrinsic part of their Humanity takes on far more serious and dark undertones when it comes to them playing out this revised version of the Spanish Inquisition that they have re-imagined for the 21st Century. They may not know how to have a laugh – or even a groan – but by God do they know how to be cruel in their dogmatic zeal. Their bitterness and hate cannot help but spill over.

Don’t do it Lord Sugar – you can ONLY fail and after that be forced to capitulate to ever more bizarre ways of making up for your failings as a Human Being in the eyes of these unhinged Leftist zealots.

All sane people know the score by now. Do not apologise. Not ever. Don’t engage with playing their game of ideological purity spirals – ignore them. You don’t need Creepy Uncle Beeb in your life – just turn on your heels and walk away – get out whilst you can, and all will be forgotten in a matter of days. Indulge them the once and your guilt – your ‘implicit bias’ – shall see you subjected to evermore peculiar trials and rituals of atonement. You shall still be guilty.

Your Lordship, be warned.