Slagfest

BY JON ALEXANDER

Well, Wednesday night was a total shambles, wasn’t it? Just a lot of MPs pretending they were on EastEnders and having a slanging match with Kat Slater.

We were told that prorogation of Parliament was unlawful and stopped our best and brightest MPs from debating Brexit and steering us onto a path that would unite both Leavers and Remainers whilst pleasing the EU and we would all live happily ever after. We were told these MPs, the likes of intellectual powerhouses Diane Abbott and Richard Burgon, were desperate to present us with amazing deals that would give us a variety of options and ensure the country united and moved forward. We were told that we couldn’t possibly live without our wonderfully vibrant MPs who place the public at the very heart of everything they do.

Reality was somewhat different, as ego after ego stood to berate the Prime Minister, to repeat what their colleagues had already said during their tiresome diatribes that butchered the English language and highlighted the need for more private schooling not less. We had Vicki Pollard, Kevin and Perry and some rambling from someone I’m not even sure was an MP, I assume someone leant him their swipe card because they could predict the absolute ‘drunk aunt at a wedding’ catastrophe that awaited them.

I could spend my time writing about the hypocrisy of Labour saying they’ll negotiate a better deal in a few days then campaign against it. Or the Lib Dems’ bizarre manoeuvre of running a second referendum then revoking Article 50 anyway. But what really caught my attention, in amongst all the “drunks having a slanging match outside a bar” display was the sudden outcry of offence over something Boris Johnson had said. Now given what Leavers and Tories have been subjected to over the years, I assumed this was REALLY bad…

Was it in 2014 when Labour MP John McDonnell was revealed to have wanted Conservative MP Esther McVey lynched? No.

Was it when the same John McDonnell said that no Conservative MP should be allowed to go anywhere without being confronted by “direct action”? No.

Was it when Nigel Farage and his family were attacked by a baying mob? No.

Was it when Jacob Rees-Mogg and his family were harassed by a gang outside his home? Again, No.

Perhaps, I thought, it must be when the likes of Owen Jones were legitimising throwing milkshakes at people you don’t like and claiming it was a justifiable political protest?  Also No.

Maybe it was when Angela Eagle dared to run against Jeremy Corbyn in a leadership contest and her constituency window was smashed?  You’ll be surprised at this, but also No.

Ah, I thought, it must be when Alyn Smith accused the Brexit Party of Money Laundering, or when the Brexit Party were accused of being Nazis despite their MEP candidates being more diverse than the other parties? Non, Nein, Nada.

I thought, it must be the below, from the charming “Sir” Ed Davey:

aswww

You’ll be absolutely agog when I tell you it wasn’t….

So it must have been the time Anna Soubry stood on a stage in front of protestors behind David Lammy when he called Leavers “Nazis”.  Alas, No.

Maybe it was the first three hours of Parliament Wednesday night once Boris Johnson had appeared where the respectful and reasonable MPs carefully considered their language and called him a dictator, a liar, a criminal amongst a whole host of other insults? But again, No.

So what caused this common uproar, you ask?

Jess Phillips stabbing comment? No.

Well, Boris repeatedly referred to Hilary Benn’s withdrawal bill as the “Surrender Act”.  I know, I’m weeping as I type this, such an outrageous stance from Boris who had been met with so much respect and love by the opposition benches. How could he turn on our beloved MPs as they dutifully debated Brexit to end this stalemate for us all…? I was shocked. Time and time again we heard how desperate they were “to hold our government to account” and “return democracy to the people” (not via an election though, that would be very anti-democratic) so naturally they dived right into it and presented us with literally dozens of different options they’d all worked diligently on whilst the court case was being heard.

Apparently calling it a “surrender bill” or a “surrender act” was so upsetting the memory of Jo Cox was invoked. As we all know, grief culture tops everything and wins any argument presented whether in context or not. The fact Boris didn’t immediately break down and resign caused even more furore to the point where you could almost see her ghost in the room.

After all of this, we haven’t resolved anything. Nobody is going to topple Boris because they’ve seen the same polls we have, nobody wants to go amongst their constituents and be accountable for their own actions – accountability is for Conservative Prime Ministers we don’t like not MPs who have lied to get elected, switched parties more times than the average person changes underwear or people who will actively try to overturn a referendum on the basis that even though they can’t organise a printer for their office after two years, they think they know better than the average person on the street.

I for one cannot wait for more of the same over the next four weeks. Bring out more of these tearful, screaming fishwives masquerading as MPs. In the immortal words of Boris’ predecessor – “Nothing Has Changed.”

Mr Jonathan Alexander is one of the founders of Country Squire Magazine

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