Britain 2029


The year is 2029. Britain has yet to leave the European Union, but is getting really bloody close to a deal for full, non-member membership. Realignment with Europe has come surprisingly cheap. Thanks to the unique negotiation skills of the Liberal Democrats, UK Plc has only had to hand over 90% of its laws, intelligence, fisheries, and grant a veto on any future general election. In Brussels watering holes, the deal is light-heartedly referred to as ‘the night out with Angela Merkel’ – all the costs, none of the benefits.

Meanwhile in domestic affairs, Britannia basks in the unmistakable glow of a decade-long Labour government. Comrade Corbyn is operating a hands-on approach, modelled largely on his close relationship with Home Secretary Diane Abbott: everything free at the point of entry. Unlike Diane the private sector has been closed off, thanks to the visionary McDonnell Protocol: competition is bad for business.

Flagship policies of the Corbyn tenure include genuine freedom of movement via the scrapping of border controls; a healthy bounce for the exchequer as white men now pay all tax at 75% (a small price for patriarchal enslavement); and state-ownership of all assets, with those accrued outside the benefits system redistributed to Labour voters in marginal constituencies.

A long-awaited overhaul to the voting system has finally been implemented. The removal of archaic restrictions now means younger citizens may vote from birth. Conversely, the mistaken Brexit vote of the elderly has led to the imposition of an upper age limit of 51 (conveniently coinciding with the age the majority starts voting conservative). Vote fraud has been eliminated thanks to the Electoral Victim Hierarchy, which confers additional votes commensurate with one’s oppression index. Muslims for instance currently receive 3 postal votes per wife, provided the wives give their unwritten consent.

Free speech, another problematic domain, has been greatly simplified under Corbyn’s reign. In the interest of inclusivity, the right-wing press has been wound down. Instead, The Guardian is now state-owned and required reading in all institutions. The newspaper is now run as a non-profit organisation, which luckily required minimal editorial shift.

Corbyn’s team are rightly proud, having purged the Party of all antisemitism; a Herculean task, until the ingenious recommendation that the word itself could simply be outlawed. Accusations of antisemitism are now rightly classified as hate crimes in and of themselves.

Communication in general is more nuanced, thanks to the Lammy Report on the inherent racism of the English Language. With the majority of the lexicon now outlawed (pronouns, adjectives etc), anyone wishing to speak may do so only while in possession of a speech licence (subject to immediate revocation).

In demographic terms, a thriving Muslim population is plagued by fears of persistent Islamophobia. The Muslim Council of Britain blames under-representation in high office, understandable when only most of the cabinet, mayoralty, and heads of all UK police forces are Muslim. To finally put this cancer to bed, Labour has accepted the MCB’s upgraded definition of Islamophobia: any act which does not directly celebrate Islam.

Lutfur Rahman has justly been restored as caliph of Tower Hamlets, which continues to thrive under Sharia Law. President of London, Sadiq Khan (a life position thanks to services to diversity), promotes the 100% Muslim zone to the West as a beacon of multiculturalism and tolerance.

Radical reform of the education system has been another Labour achievement. While traditional education plainly discriminates between teacher and student (conferring a misplaced sense of authority), today’s young people are sent to inclusivity centres between the childhood years of 5 and 30, on a compulsory voluntary basis. The centres are coordinated by diversity experts not teachers.

With high numbers of youngsters suffering PTSD from a toxic and triggering national curriculum, that too has been abolished in favour of ‘inclusiveness training’. The ISIS penpal system, and unpaid internships in London’s more vibrant knife gangs offer unparalleled access to first-hand experience of oppression. Notable mention must also go to Dame Shamima Begum’s Gap Year in Syria program, which has proved particularly popular.

The new approach to schooling does not mean examinations are any less rigorous. Thanks to heightened understanding of the victimhood hierarchy, nursery school delegates are now able to correctly answer routine ethical conundra:

If Tom has five apples and Fatima has four, who’s the racist?

At higher levels meanwhile, the rigour of modern education methods can truly be appreciated. This year’s A-level question proved tricky even for some diversity practitioners:

If Owen Jones identifies as a woman, and an Imam removes his clitoris without an LGBT-endorsed rainbow knife, has a hate crime been committed, and if so by whom? (Show your working)

Law and order has been dramatically streamlined, thanks to the abolition of prisons (discriminatory systems of punishment). The £5Bn saving has been reinvested into state liaison officers, who visit alleged victims to ensure they understand their error, and to warn them of any potential racism.

While traditional ‘crime’ no longer exists, whiteness remains a stubborn blot on the landscape; a blot facing closer scrutiny since the passing of Snow’s Law, which highlights the danger of so many white people in one place. Whites consequently are no longer permitted to congregate in groups of more than 1, and indeed white couples are forbidden to procreate. Any white couple wishing to remain together must apply for state approval, and adopt non-white orphans to demonstrate their commitment to diversity.

All majority-white institutions are now naturally illegal, including the Royal Family which has had diversity quotas imposed upon it. Given the forced abdication of Queen Elizabeth II, Britain is fortunate that Meghan Markle could be persuaded to assume the throne. In her benevolence, HRH has allowed Prince Harry to stay on as third footman.

It’s easy to dismiss this as schoolboy humour, which of course it is. However, we are a hair’s breadth away from the most radical left-wing regime Britain has ever seen; ignoring the danger signs is therefore rather foolish. Every MP who chastises whites for existing and remains unchallenged; every vote flagrantly ignored; every hate crime policed in lieu of real crime; every teacher indoctrinating instead of teaching; every fact denied because of its insensitivity, all mean the same thing – we are incrementally ceding ground which may never be taken back.

As Labour keep saying, ‘your vote matters’. They’re right.