Letter from The Gods


Dear World,

So sorry that you have been inflicted with the Coronavirus but someone had to do something to alter the way you have been misbehaving of late:

You were created in the image of the gods – not to act and judge like us. What right do you have to invent “wokeness”? That false prophet Thunberg, the Watermelon Communist, was getting right on our wicks. The racism of reverse racists like Lammy and Abbott desperately needed someone to intervene and put a sock in it. Do you hear them now? That gutless Remoan nonsense in Britain – coming from grandchildren of the greatest generation? Not a peep now. Phew.

It was time we drew your attention to those wet markets in China. From now on they need to be the focus of the entire world’s ire – we did not provide you with dogs, cats, bats and pangolins for you to eat the poor sods. Nor did we let you invent pharmaceuticals while savages amongst you slay tigers for their testicles. Damned heathens. When the virus has passed, make sure China is shunned until it closes down those vile and barbaric places. They have plenty of other food.

Debt was way out of control in our preferred nations. Trump quietly seizing control of the Fed and other Western lands alongside America racking up huge debts have been consequences of the virus. Well, you now have the chance to strike a new deal, drastically re-position China and write that debt off altogether in reparations. This will protect capitalism and keep the commie loons in check. House prices were way out of control and now the young will have a chance to house themselves.

We gods are not prone to feeling pity but we are secretly delighted by the fleeing of Nepalese and Bhutanese prostitutes from Indian cities – they were sold by Nepalese and Bhutanese politicians to Indian mafiosi as children and now these crooks face a reckoning. No wonder their governments are not letting them across the border to tell their stories. Other trafficked people have a chance to flee their captors, slaves can be free again and communities can look out for their vulnerable and oppressed souls.

Families. Had you forgotten you had them? You have been so glued to your ridiculous phone screens of late that you ignored what was most important in your life. Seeing families together as one gives us hope for you all. Individuality is your greatest strength but it depends on the fuel of family. These days you spend together shall fortify you and the community spirit shown by so many of you shall make for some of the happiest and most fulfilling days of your lives.

Footballers and other sportspeople were knackered and merited a good rest. We had noticed some of the leagues were losing their edge because the best players were getting injured too often because they were overplayed. When the action resumes we do so hope it will be magical.

Finally, the media. Someone had to get those lying sons of bitches to tell the truth again. The mainstream media as you call it had so lost the plot that they needed someone to press the reset button and give them an all-consuming story to focus on to quell their partisan bias. You humans are supposed to keep us entertained with the real not the fake. Truth counts. If we’d wanted you to live in an illusion we’d have launched you as a simulation, not as flesh and blood.

So, apologies again for the interruption to normal service and the spike in coffins. Hey-ho. You’ll get over it. Now make something of your lives. And change the way you were heading. Remember – you are better off broke than woke.

Your sincerely,

The gods