BY DOMINIC WIGHTMAN

Hello, I am Truth.

I have come here today to shatter a few lies for you.

Sorry to interrupt your shouting. Isn’t it funny how liars love to shout. As if an increase in volume will drown me out or somehow metamorphose falsehood into truth. Please, Mr Lammy! Pipe down just for a minute, sir, so I can make myself heard…

Margaret Ferrier, you have been avoiding me of late. You are arguing that travelling from London to Glasgow using public transport knowing you had coronavirus was because the virus “made you act out of character” and that you began “panicking” and “wanting home”. But your behaviour was no “blip”, was it Margaret? How many did you kill? It is not the first time you have been selfish and mercenary. We both know you are an unconscionable liar and a hypocrite. Indeed, your behaviour was so significant and so unacceptable that you should have stepped down as soon as you were busted. Now the Met are investigating, and I shall assist them in ending your political career just as I finished off Fiona Onasanya’s and Chris Huhne’s. Hanging on for the money is not a good look, is it now?  

Dawn Butler, you claimed that the police stopping you in London was due to racist black profiling, despite the car you were travelling in at the time having tinted windows. In your post structuralist world of dissembling and moral relativism you felt you had the right to insult the police by lying on social media about them. The thing is you have talked privately to police officers willing to break the oppressive shield of political correctness that you deconstructors so exhort. From talking to them you know full well that in the real world different racial profiles fit different crimes. Review the IC codes for offences. White criminals tend to burgle, black criminals tend to stab and steal, while Asian criminals tend to commit fraud and other less real-time-reportable crimes. So tell me which of those crimes are reported real-time, making it worthwhile for police to stop and search reported vehicles or people on the street? Certainly not burglary, which is often reported days after the fact when people have been away. Stop searches occur because of the type of crime they are linked to in the first place. It’s not random or racially profiled at all. Why the preponderance of real-time “the perpetrator was black heading in this direction in this colour car” calls? Read the stats, do the maths and stop lying, Dawn.

Eddie Izzard you say that you came out as trans in 1985. That’s a lie, you came out as a transvestite. No, you’re not conflating transvestism and transgenderism. You’re too bright and slippery for that. So you’re a liar. You wanted to take the place of a woman on Labour’s women’s shortlist. What’s next in your box of tricks, you pound-shop-Machiavelli?

Nicola Sturgeon, you knew about Alex Salmond concerns almost three years ago, your top mandarin revealed. Leslie Evans said that in November 2017 she told you that Sky News were investigating an “incident” at Edinburgh Airport. You broke the ministerial code by not having the meeting with Geoff Aberdein – a former aide to Mr Salmond – minuted. You have the opportunity now to illuminate the world as to the true timeline of events. You should put your Signal and Telegram messages – and especially your husband’s emails – on show before someone else does. Or forever be known as one of the most manipulative liars to have ever reached high office on these islands.

As for you, David Lammy, you are a strange one. You studied law at Harvard yet in the past you have claimed that white papal smoke is racist and that Stacey Dooley was a “white saviour” – in the process you wrecked the takings of Comic Relief. It seems a waste of a perfectly good law degree to become a race-baiter, does it not? You see racism everywhere while the evidence states very clearly that the British people are among the least racist people in the world. Want to hear Truth, Mr Lammy? You nominated Jeremy Corbyn as party leader – the most racist Labour leader in history. Worse still, you backed Corbyn for power in 2017 and then again in 2019 at successive General Elections, despite knowing that Corbyn had brought rabid antisemitism into Labour. Stop spreading fake news, David. Stop lying. Call yourself a Christian? Then wake up to me.

How they all talk of a Post-Truth world as if it gives them justification. They spend their days trying to avoid and deny me but – as with Death – there is only so much avoidance and denial obtainable in a lifetime.

Inevitably, we both catch up with you all in the end.