The Four Thousand Bagger

BY PHLEGYAS

As we watch private equity companies bid for Morrisons’ supermarket, the Chinese buy up Cambridge University by pumping cash and professors into the Colleges and the Church of England abandon its clergy and college-based training in favour of 10,000 lay-led churches , we received this investment report from our favourite City analyst, Tapyer Nose.    

BUY recommendation for YIPPEE! the special purpose acquisition company (SPAC) run by the global conglomerate Assette, Strippam, Flogge, Klerick and Xi.

You may think this is a shell company, but if so, it’s a monster lobster. Rather than having mere fingers in many pies, it has whole claws tightening round many throats. Morrisons are indeed hitting the headlines, but it’s not even a millionaire shortbread when compared to the jugulars of Cambridge and the C. of E. pulsating to be fleeced as the negotiations start to hit the fan.

And according to YIPPEE!’s CEO, it’s a helluva fan meeting a helluva bundle of boodle.

This has nothing to do with flogging food to families, stimulating students or succouring sinners, and everything to do with suckering the suckers. It’s a good ol’fashioned carpet-bagging property strip. Morrisons may be squatting on land worth millions, but it’s a mere pimple on the pot-belly of academic and ecclesiastical moolah that has sent private equity into squitters of dribble and drool.

It’s a transformational deal, relegating even transubstantiation to a mere onlooker in economy seating.

The whole lip-smacking deal will be sealed over the one thing both YIPPEE! and the sucker targets possess in common: Cupidity. The empty heads at Cambridge and the Synod have been beguiled by the container-ship loads of cash inexorably steering towards them. It’s an unstoppable juggernaut, so the worthy gullibles are queuing to scramble up the rope ladder as it sweeps past them. No more dreary tea and chocolate digestives or meagre wafer and thin booze. Now’s the time to take YIPPEE!’s fabulous offer of a free ticket to Elysium on the Ambrosia Express in return for finally getting rid of that ball and chain known as the architectural and cultural heritage of dozy li’l ol’ England.

For investors this isn’t a sweet deal, it’s a honeydew one – a potential four thousand bagger, but it’s also a short-term trade. Expect the price to pop over the next six months and then get out before the train smacks into the buffers, defenestrating the daft professors and clergy bureaucrats into a mighty pile of ordure as the people of this benighted country wake up to the rape and pillage of the traditions of their nation. Cupidity may have a shine but this version will lose its lustre fast. Don’t be on the share register as YIPPEE! plunges into oblivion.

Phlegyas is all in (and some) on this one.

Phlegyas has spent over 35 years in large and small commerce working across seven different industries and nine different countries. Like his mythical namesake, who ferried Dante and Virgil across the River Styx, he has guided many present-day Board directors of very large organisations through the treacherous cross-currents of Business and Board games. His ancestors emigrated south.