This week the Squires were honoured to be invited to the Tingler factory where they interviewed Tingler Chairmanwoman and CEO and Marketing Director and PR Opagandist, the notorious inventor Doctor Rosa Tingles. They asked Dr Tingles about the buzz around her Tingler enterprises and how she came to be involved in casting a shadow of so much joy and happiness over the good people of Great Britain with her regular inventions.

^{Dr Tingles’ Tingler}

Thanks so much for inviting the Squires to Tingler HQ and for this bowl of borscht. If you don’t mind us saying, it seems somewhat spartan around here?

RT: Accumulation of wealth at one pole is at the same time accumulation of misery, agony of toil, slavery, ignorance, brutality, mental degradation, at the opposite pole.

Righto.

Before we begin the interview, Dr Tingles, as you know one of us is gay, are you gay?

RT: No, gles.

So, how did you come to invent the Tingler? Presumably it’s a unisex product?

RT: Yes, unisex. What’s gender apart from a useful intersectional device to bring down capitalism? I thought Tinglers would be useful tools with which to spread my influence and to earn a crust. As my hero Joseph Goebbels wrote, ‘Everything will come for us if we appeal to the hunger and despair of the masses’.

^{Tingler Testing on a male subject}

What is your main market?

RT: The Monbiot crowd. Middle-aged women in bad, sexless marriages. They are the most gullible, have disposable income, and are most desperate for a raison d’être and any kind of tingle in their tawdry, little lives. They will literally believe anything I tell them.

^{A harmless wind turbine}

How did you get the idea for the Tingler?

RT: I have some dodgy friends who own wind turbines and I was out washing blood and feathers off the turbines one day with a group of gullible volunteers we mustered before a government inspection. The inspiration for inventing the Tingler came to me then. All the vibration from the turbines, the pressure from the power hose, being part of a cover-up and all that flesh from tumbling bird corpses was making me tingle.

^{Dr Tingles tingling}

Why did you and not someone else invent the Tingler?

RT: IQ deficit. Because compared to me everyone is really stupid.

How do you know the ‘stupid’ public are using the Tingler correctly?

RT: We track them of course.

Ah, so if a Tingler stops working, because it was accidentally dropped in the bath or disappeared irretrievably up an orifice, you’d know?

RT: When a Tingler stops working it is because it has been purposefully smashed to smithereens by a countryman. They hate Tinglers. They go out of their way to hunt them down and destroy them.

Come on, that’s not credible!

RT: Silence! Or I will end this interview and call my lawyers. It’s always countrymen! I will pester the police until they do something about Tingler persecution. This gets me more publicity and raises the profile of my Tinglers even when the stupid rozzers find nothing as a result of their investigations.

Why do you give your Tinglers names like ‘Fred’ and ‘Eric’?

RT: Marketing. By anthropomorphising the Tinglers, gullible customers subjectivise more and are thus more malleable to parting with more pennies for other Tinglers.

Why does it say on the box that there are 1000 inside yet when you open the box you find just a solitary product?

RT: That’s part of my really clever marketing ploy to see off any competition. If anyone disputes the numbers, then I just shout a lot, arrange a Twitter pile-on, call them idiots, smear them or take them to court. You see the comments on the Tingler website? I write all those using sock-puppets so I control the Tingler narrative at all times. Clever, huh?

^{A young Dr Tingles in court (l)}

Also why is the photo on the box of a remote-controlled electronic Tingler yet when you open the box there is just a dusty, old thimble inside?

RT: Over the years I have found that people are not interested in storyless inanimate objects but when you associate them illegitimately with other moving parts – that don’t exist – people pay more attention.

But don’t trading standards come down on you hard?

RT: No, because if they claim that I am a liar I shout a lot, arrange a Twitter pile-on, call them idiots, smear them or take them to court. Truth is what you make of it. Getting celebrity endorsements really helps. You can get the celebrity to complain to any detractors and the celebrity’s social currency normally shuts them down. If they are dumb enough to persist, I know lots of whiffy, masked misfits who will terrorise them into submission.

Is it because of the celebrity that you are allowed to market your Tinglers across Google News?

RT: Yes, and the celebrity gets me TV appearances. My celebrity is a gullible, narcissistic twat who’s always creating crises but hey-ho he gets to sell a few Tingler t-shirts.

What’s the latest invention you are working on?

RT: Here. Come closer.

Owch.

When you are not testing your Tinglers what do you do to relax? Do you enjoy the occasional tipple?

RT: Bitter.

Do you have any kinky hobbies?

RT: I have a very round friend. We dress up in Lycra and escape to the countryside where we roll down hills making Teletubby noises. He rolls so well. Like a round of Double Gloucester. If anyone catches us, we say we are looking for our lost binocular lens cap or that we are celebrating ecstatically because we’ve just spotted a grey-headed lapwing.

That’s an unusual hobby.

Any others?

RT: I hate farmers. Sometimes when I am out in the countryside, I mask up, stuff my face full of tofu, curl one out on a Kleenex and smear jobby on their gate handles. Then I drop the filthy Kleenex into their tractor cab when they’re not looking.

Charming.

And finally, Dr Tingles, what are your plans for the future?

RT: I am working on a dastardly plan to force Tingler ownership on the proletariat. The Scottish Marxist Mayoralty have so far been very receptive to my plans and I am hoping that, with a Labour government in the offing, there will soon be compulsory UK-wide Tingler ownership and that the days of a lack of Tinglers will finally be over, although, let’s face it, they were over many decades ago.

Thanks for your time, Ms Tingles. Great borscht by the way.

RT: That’s Dr Tingles to you, you bourgeois filth. And, for your information, I spat in it.