BY ROGER WATSON

If you were intending to watch Frank Caruso’s Mary over the festive season, prepare yourself for a Christmas turkey like no other. This film is essentially ‘Mary: the Prequel’, as Caruso attempts to narrate the story of Mary leading up to and immediately following the birth of Jesus.

We know very little about Mary prior to her betrothal to Joseph and The Annunciation. However, this did not stop Caruso, who is a Roman Catholic, from attempting to fill in those gaps. Familiar events are depicted inaccurately, and in an effort to include as many biblical allusions as possible, events pertinent to the life of Jesus are crammed in anachronistically. For example, Mary’s father spends forty days in the desert, Mary is tempted by Satan, and Herod has someone’s head brought to him on a plate. Notably, Jesus and John the Baptist were not born for most of the time depicted in the film.

The film opens with Mary’s father stumbling over sand dunes and encountering the angel Gabriel, who informs him that his wife will bear a girl child destined to serve in God’s temple in Jerusalem. Gabriel then disappears like Harry Potter in his invisibility cloak. One must question why Caruso chose to depict Gabriel resembling a shady backstreet dealer, complete with tattoos on the back of his hands.

We frequently cut to the court of King Herod, played by the ever-present Anthony Hopkins. He kills his wife and, if I am not mistaken, is actually married to Salome. Jewish zealots are plotting against Herod, who, I dare say, resemble the People’s Front of Judea from Life of Brian.

After a seemingly happy childhood, Mary is taken to the temple to serve. Joseph is directed to her while she washes clothes in a river, falling instantly in love with her upon meeting. They become engaged, after which Mary is visited by Gabriel and informed that she will become pregnant by God’s will.

Cutting through considerable nonsense, we arrive at a moment where Joseph is being mockingly teased about Mary’s pregnancy, of which he is unaware. He responds with a right hook to one of his mockers. Our Joseph, it appears, is quite handy with his fists, which proves useful when some Jewish zealots prepare to stone Mary for being pregnant out of wedlock, a situation from which he rescues her.

Joseph declares he does not care if she is pregnant, as he will stand by her because Gabriel previously directed him to her. Not quite the way it happened. If only there were a book…

As the film progresses to the journey to Bethlehem, as well as the events leading up to it, the plot takes a significant turn for the worse. Herod is holding a census, yet Mary and Joseph make a desperate escape, with considerable bloodshed along the way, as they are hounded out of Jerusalem. Upon arriving in Bethlehem, they find there is no room at any of the inns due to crowds flocking there to witness the birth of the new Messiah.

Why Caruso could not adhere to the biblical narrative is another mystery best left for him to explain. With apologies for the unbiblical language, I began to wonder how much more of the story he could mismanage. As it turns out, quite a lot.

Once Jesus is born, Herod orders the slaughter of all the first-born males in Bethlehem, insisting that baby Jesus be brought to him alive. Yes, you read that correctly. Hilariously, his minions bring him every baby they find, leaving him with a palace full of screaming infants.

Bear with me. Mary and Joseph must flee for their lives from Bethlehem but are eventually pursued. Joseph fights off their assailants (who remain unidentified), and in a bizarre twist, Mary and Joseph gallop off with baby Jesus on a black stallion, leaping through the flames of a burning building in the process.

And it’s not finished yet. Mary decides they must take Jesus to the temple, where they are received in a scene reminiscent of Star Wars. The only biblically accurate quotation in the film comes from Simeon, who speaks of Mary’s heart being pierced. It should have ended there, but alas, we are treated to a final reflection from Mary, played by the lovely Noa Cohen, regarding how hearts may be pierced, yet they will bring peace to the world. Something along those lines, because by that point, I was simply eager for it to conclude.

Caruso has stated he wanted to create a film honouring the Virgin Mary. Well, Frank old boy, I can assure you that you most certainly haven’t.

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Roger Watson is a Registered Nurse and Editor-in-Chief of Nurse Education in Practice.