BY STEPHEN PAX LEONARD
Reggie’s uncle, the Earl of Bitchfield, had become a backwoodsman. His days were numbered. The last of the remaining hereditary peers were on the chopping block. Centuries of skilful statecraft, high intrigue, prudence and inter-generational wisdom had been replaced by the get-rich-quick, affluent tom-toms and a motley crew of DEI merchants. Oh, the joys of ‘inclusion’. The doors had been opened to full-scale, British style corruption: the House of Lords had become the House of Cronies, just as William Hague predicted. Eight hundred years of tradition would come to an end. Eccentricity had been supplanted by sanitised rhetoric and dull uniformity; the idea of gentlemanliness had been usurped by silly social justice signalling. Honeyed banter was no longer understood. What a state of affairs! The last remaining born-to-the-ermine were to be dispensed with, and Tony Blair and his fellow tricoteuses could finally declare victory.
With this troubling thought in mind, Reggie’s uncle breakfasted in bed. It was to be his last day sitting in the Upper House, and there was to be no sense of urgency. There promised a long debate on E-scooter Health and Safety, and once done with the flummery of the Lords, the Earl would be in urgent pursuit of a licensed victualler to mark this sad occasion. The Earl of Bitchfield (Monty to his chums) finally hauled himself out of bed, donned the Henry Poole and made his way one last time to Westminster in the Silver Shadow. He approached the Houses of Parliament with a rather mincing step.
Once at the Palace of Westminster, he headed past the division lobbies doffing his trilby at Black Rod and went, as always, straight to the bar for a gin & tonic or two before getting down to the serious business of discussing the risks of e-scooter tandem riding. A tad squiffy, he tottered down the Peer’s Corridor. Once in the chamber, he lurched with unsteady gait past the Woolsack, the perpetually empty bishops’ benches and on towards Boris’ former tea ladies moaning about last night’s hang-over. The ermine barely covered their ripped jeans and trainers. “Morning Guv”, offered one of them as the crimson-faced Monty headed for his normal pew. “What on earth has become of the place! Age and experience are surely quite a good thing. Will these young folk barely out of short trousers really be better at scrutinising dispassionately legislation because they comprise modern day patronage?”, muttered Monty under his breath.
Monty was relieved to spot his old mate, Eddie, the Baron of Giggleswick. Eddie had been at the Lords for nearly five decades. An hereditary peer and the country’s leading expert on parliamentary procedure and constitutional law. His knowledge was alas no longer required. “Monty, good to see you, dear boy. Did you bring your hunting horn or are we going to leave sine ulla molestia?
“It looks like all this is going to come to an end without any fuss whatsoever, doesn’t it? If only the British people understood what this is all about. They don’t know what is happening. If only they appreciated that this House doesn’t make laws. It amends them. Do they honestly think, old boy, that these new scally-wags will have the time or the interest in poring over the tiniest minutiae of legislation when they have brassière companies to run? Constitutionally, the country will be far worse off”, replied Monty. The debate lasted until late afternoon. The newly-arrived Life Peers stayed for the first twenty minutes before heading back to run their online businesses. Monty and Eddie probed the draft legislation for hours, suggesting amendments whilst dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. The E-scooter bill would be sent back to the Commons and their work was effectively done. Eddie patted Monty on the back. “Our task is complete. After prorogation, the thud of the guillotine comes down. I feel quite sick in the stomach to be honest, dear boy. Still, onwards and upwards, ey? Are we going to nick a few towels from the lavatory on the way out?”
Monty guffawed. “Oh, by golly, it is a dark, dark day, Eddie. The British people will only understand once it is too late. The constitution has been irrevocably altered. It is not as if we are here to advance our careers for crying out loud. We are here to serve the people. That is all there is to it, but apparently that wasn’t good enough. Come, Eddie, let’s not get too emotional. I’ll miss this place terribly. Let us move on and eke out some decent sticky and nosebag”.
No longer needing to ‘cling to the furniture’ or rub shoulders with the ‘day boys’, Monty and Eddie walked to Shepherd’s for some Cromer crab and Cornish hake. It was the end of an era. They had been given seven days to clear their desks. Four hundred years of family history had come to an end for Monty. His ancestors would be turning in their graves. He had lost the honours that were bestowed on his forebears. And there wasn’t as much as a leaving party at that august association. Just a farewell photo for the last of the ‘boarders’. Caught up with silly talk of equity, diversity and inclusion, the British people and media didn’t lift a finger to defend the hereditary peers.
Eddie and Monty took up their normal ‘regulars’ table at Shepherd’s. On the adjacent table sat the hook-nosed homunculus, Lord Diversity of Dagenham, who had been just elevated to the peerage after years of disastrous leadership at the City Hall. He sneered at the two hereditary peers and lacking in jocular civility uttered in a raised voice: “we need an Upper House that is diverse. Diversity is Britain’s greatest strength”.
“Monty, that is what this is really all about”, huffed Eddie. “We don’t need to be like other people. Individuality is everything, but this silly little man will never understand that. That is what ‘diversity’ should really mean. We live in an unstable world and what we really need right now is a spot of continuity”. Eddie glances at Lord Dagenham. “Sadly, Britain has chosen the wrong path”.
Stephen Pax Leonard is a writer, linguist, traveller. His book Noble Sentiments for an Exile and Other Writings has been published and is now available here.