BY ANNA BOWEN
Ball season is upon us so here’s a handy list… Down a shot for every one that you spot!
1 The Little Princess
Allowed at the ball as a very special treat. Wears a sparkly dress and throws a tantrum because she’s not given a glass of wine on arrival. Spills profiteroles over said dress. Papa is very concerned about the years to come.
2 The Young Blood
Thinks he’s Rupert Campbell-Black, when actually he has a 2:2 from Bristol and a gold-plated signet ring.
3 The Paralytic One
Can be found vomming in the loos between courses. Ends the night being coaxed down from a table by an angry barman, shoes and half their outfit discarded in a corner.
4 The Horn Blowing Professional
Shows everyone up by reeling out a perfect stream of notes. This is despite drinking a bottle of port and having everyone make rude jokes about “blowing.”
5 The Old Lech
Still thinks that it is 1976 and that it is acceptable to address a woman’s cleavage. Probably spawned The Young Blood in an illegitimate romp twenty five years ago. Has not actually had sex since.
6 The Organiser
Has spent the last six months designing a menu, coaxing the terrier men to pay up, and marshalling a table swap after the joint- MFH divorced his wife in favour of his sexy girl groom. Buy them a drink.
7 The Social Media Addict
Uploaded at least five “ready for the ball #huntball #nightout #squadgoals #thiswillbemessy” photographs before even leaving the house. Fills their Snapchat story with blurry videos of the DJ.
8 The Crying One
Can be found at every single ball that has ever been rolled. Normally female. Take them to Number 9.
9 The Loo Counsellor
Seems to spend the entire evening dishing out life advice while powdering their nose. Will have the best stories in the morning.
Last seen covered in mud, hair scraped into a ghastly net, figure obscured by a thick hunt coat, and face bare of all make up. Turns up looking like Kate Middleton and spends the night fending off The Young Blood and The Old Lech, both of whom do not recognise her for the girl they loudly referred to as “plain” at that morning’s meet.