The Corbynista Excuse Handbook

BY BEN PENSANT

If Jeremy Corbyn loses on June 8th, expect the Corbynistas to draw on these five typical Labour excuses:

1. Stupidity

Should the British people reject both Jezza’s principled socialism and the middle-class movement to stop Brexit, much will be written about the role played by the chaotic ineptness of the opposition. Don’t believe a word of it. Because who but the most educationally subnormal bin-man would fail to be bowled over by the likes of Emily Thornberry and Diane Abbott, brave women willing to ruffle feathers by sending their kids to private school while telling everyone else they shouldn’t?

How thick would someone have to be to ignore principled heavyweights such as Tony Blair and Peter Mandelson’s attempts to sway Leave voters by telling them how uninformed they are?

What kind of idiot wouldn’t want a Prime Minister who thinks a Cuban dictator who murdered thousands of opponents and lived like royalty while his citizens starved was ‘a champion of social justice’?

Like the EU referendum, the US election and the Eurovision Song Contest, stupidity is the perfect explanation when results don’t go Labour’s way. Because the idea that outside of the Twitter/Islington bubble there are millions who reject virtually everything modern Labour stand for is to be ignored, discouraged and shut down at all costs.

As for convincing 17 million Leave-voters to support a party dominated by Blairites who want to stop Brexit and Trotskyists who don’t care either way…well, have you ever spoke to these people? If you can get past the bad skin and broken teeth, good luck understanding a sodding word they say.

It’s easy to tel people how stupid they are. And if that fails there’s always option number two:

2. Racism

As the over-the-top coverage of Corbyn’s defence and support for Islamists shows, a dislike of brown people has played a huge part in the anti-Corbyn crusade. Indeed, if by some miracle, Theresa May cheats her way to victory, you can bet your bottom dollar the white supremacist British public will have had something to do with it.

Happily, should the Tories win, the Left can simply re-hash their old Brexit/Trump excuses and label millions of people they’ve never met as bigots. A cursory glance at Twitter or The New European shows these excuses still carry a lot of internet currency, presumably because both offer a safe space for civil servants and performance artists to feel superior to strangers.

Because one of the proudest examples of left-wing cognitive dissonance is the way they spend all their spare time telling everyone what a foul, racist, hate-crime ravaged wasteland the UK is yet they are shell-shocked when people who live in this foul, racist hate-crime-ravaged wasteland vote differently to them. The fact that Britain is one of the most tolerant, liberal democracies on the planet and many people see the Conservatives as the best bet to keep it that way is beside the point.

As is the fact that if the British public really were as bigoted as Polly Toynbee says, the BNP would have been in power for decades. Because as all good regressives know, narrative trumps facts. So, if Bernie Sanders can sanctimoniously condemn billionaires for buying yachts and cars while he owns three houses, there’s no reason why we can’t brand the British public prejudiced bigots then wonder why they don’t vote Labour. Because much like Bernie seems to think all white people are privileged because he lives in a world where everyone is white and privileged, so Labour assume the invented values of their narrow universe are of paramount importance in the real world. The same real world that is also a vile, racist wasteland. Which is why they spend as little time in it as possible.

And we all know whose fault that is:

3. The Media

In particular, the Murdoch empire and their two-year campaign to smear Corbyn by repeating stuff he’s said and done while doctoring YouTube videos to give the impression he shook hands with more extremists than the doorman at Finsbury Park Mosque.

Though try as they might, they still fail to land a glove on him. So poor are their efforts, in fact, that Corbynites have spent the last two years whining about how disgracefully they’ve persecuted him and how no other opposition leader has ever had to put up with abuse from the press.

Luckily, most of Jezza’s youthful die-hards have never heard of Neil Kinnock or William Hague which allows them to maintain the narrative of poor little Jeremy, the plucky socialist in a shell suit who could be Prime Minister (if only The Sun would stop picking on him). And Labourites will continue to uphold that narrative should the unthinkable happen and Theresa May becomes Prime Minister. Something which will probably bring tears of joy to this set of bastards:

4. The PLP

For plotting against the Dear Leader and attempting to oust him. For refusing to show loyalty to a man who’s spent his career defying his own party. And for creating the toxic atmosphere which forced Corbyn to end every PMQs or TV interview looking like he was struggling to hold in a particularly wet fart.

Much like the media, the PLP have been a perfect target for blame since the man of principle revolutionised the party. And much like the media, they will also carry on getting it with both barrels should disaster/conspiracy strike and the Tories win. Because rest assured, if that happens, the plotters’ insidious influence will be all over it; lest we forget, their influence is so insidious they managed to make an utter bollock of removing the most unpopular Labour leader in history by putting forward a democracy-averse four-eyed Welsh virgin even more deluded about terrorism than St Jezza.

Proving that for all the likes of Owen Smith have done sterling work in trying to overturn the referendum, it’s still clear whose side they’re really on. A stopped clock may indeed be right twice a day but it’s still screwed for the other 1,438 minutes.

And speaking of insidious influences:

5. Zionism.

Obviously.

So, there you have it. Make sure, Labourites, you keep a couple of back-ups in your pocket in case of emergency – Donald Trump, climate change, that old fishwife who Gordon Brown called a bigot – and you’re good to go. But whatever you do, remember this: under no circumstances blame Jeremy Corbyn. For anything. Ever.

Because there’s no excuse for that, comrade.

Ben Pensant is a popular Country Squire Guest Writer. His writing is housed here. 

Advertisements