Are You a True Progressive?


Young people are getting involved in politics, and a significant number have been corralled over to the left. I can understand that. There are all these bearded, wisecracking chaps over there, beckoning and leering for your attention. The likes of Ricky Gervais and Nick Frost are lusting for virgin flesh, and an irresistible siren call has been put out. In the words of lefty philosopher queen Caitlin Moran, “voting for Labour = not being a c**t”. Who could resist such melodious logic?

No-one wants to be picked on, so why not just agree with the famous people? Don’t ask whether saying they want Labour in power is just a way for them to ease their weak-minded liberal guilt. Whether they’re so rich and out-of-touch that politics to them is merely an academic exercise. Whether they’re cocooned and unaffected whatever happens.

You don’t really have to do much at all. Retweet a few jabs at the Tories. Blame everything on the Capitalist freedoms which safeguard your right to erroneously blame Capitalist freedoms. Maybe cry a bit because bad man Nigel Farage stole your future.

It’s all so easy, but then again, perhaps you’re a stickler who likes to check the terrain before crashing forward. In that case, hold on a second. Before you are subsumed into the flabbily grasping lefty melange, it might be worth doing a final check on the alignment of your political compass.

Here’s a short questionnaire, to make absolutely certain that your progressive credentials are in order.

  1. Are you in favour of racial segregation?

This is a core belief among the most radically progressive social justice drones. At Evergreen College in the US, on-site civil war erupted when a Jewish professor objected politely to being requested to leave the campus, due to his race, on a no-whites day. He found himself hounded by zealots, advised by the police to stay away from college as his safety couldn’t be guaranteed, forced to teach lessons in a public park, and branded, incredibly, as a racist.

In the UK too, left wing thinking has embraced racism in it’s battle against racism. Robert Peston’s ITV politics show advertised for an intern, but stipulated that white people are prohibited from applying. It’s unclear whether or not Peston will be using Nuremburg Laws Classifications as a template for determining racial purity—how many white grandparents equate to media-ineligible offspring? If you’re of the left you won’t question this brazenly grotesque discrimination though. Pointing out racists is racist.

  1. Do you think LGBT people should be forced to be left wing?

At the recent Pride in London festival, a celebration to promote solidarity for the LGBT community, there was an unexpected introduction of shame and isolation, as Conservative LGBT attendees were booed and treated with hostility. It’s not difficult to extrapolate the thinking here. Your politics are assigned from above by the dominant class according to factors beyond your control, such as sexuality and race, and refusing to conform will result in abuse and marginalization. Now, you might think that structure sounds like what the left was supposed to be fighting against, but that’s the beauty of progressivism—it could end up progressing toward anything, including intolerance and totalitarianism.

  1. Do you believe that religious laws should be enforced on non-believers?

Over in utopian, open borders Germany, Salzburg kindergartens have decided that all the children in their care must follow Islamic law with regard to what they eat, regardless of whether or not they’re Muslims. Political correctness is now informed by Sharia, and if a problem is encountered which isn’t yet covered by the PC doctrine, then Sharia should be used as the precedent guideline. So why stop at children’s meals? Do you object to banning the burka? Easily solved: let’s make all women wear burkas. They can’t penalize everyone, and in addition to thwarting Islamophobia, there’ll be an significant increase in chaste devotion.

Please note that deference to religion only applies to Islam, to which you might even want to consider converting, boosting your identity politics credentials and saving yourself some future jizya.

  1. Are you relaxed about children being murdered?

In the wake of a terrorist atrocity such as that in Manchester, there are two golden rules which must be followed:

Tell everyone to shut up and stop being racist.

Pretend everything’s fine.

On no account must you allow people to speak openly, or ever concede that there may be something of a problem. But don’t forget, as with religious compliance, this only applies to Islamic terror attacks. Any non-Islamic violence should be greeted with furious swipes at Tommy Robinson, the Daily Mail, and any other mouthy kafir who we don’t like.

  1. Have you read Harry Potter?

Everything that happens, anywhere, at any time, must be compared to events in the Harry Potter canon. You can try something else—Lord of the Rings, Peppa Pig, the Epic of Gilgamesh—but it won’t really cut it. If you can’t be arsed with Rowling’s highbrow political game changer, just learn what the goodies and baddies are called, and divide the real world accordingly.

If you answered yes to all of the above then congratulations, you’re a member of the progressive left, of Lineker-grade moral purity. If you answered no to even one, then you’re not welcome, and should be profoundly ashamed of your bigoted selfishness.

What’s that you say? It’s seems harsh to be condemned just for disagreeing on one or two points? That’s a problematic attitude, heretic. Conform absolutely or show yourself out.

2 thoughts on “Are You a True Progressive?

Comments are closed.