BY SAM WHITE
I was on the bus the other day, and to my surprise a conservatively attired neo-Nazi and a blue-haired social justice warrior got on and sat together in front of me. I was waiting for the sparks to fly, but incredibly, they got on like a house on fire. The conversation was fascinating, so I sneaked out my notebook and started discreetly scribbling down their chat.
Social Justice Warrior: You know what, I really believe that black and minority ethnic people should be given their own safe spaces, free from white oppression.
Neo-Nazi: I couldn’t agree more, the races should be separated.
SJW: Did you hear that at the University of Michigan, they’re so progressive, student activists demanded segregated areas for students of colour?
NN: This is exactly as it should be—the races are distinct and should stay that way. We must all strive to keep our unique practices intact. Honestly, it sickens me to see whites shamelessly adopting the customs of other cultures.
SJW: Me too. I got so angry the other day when I saw a white man wearing his hair in dreadlocks. It’s cultural appropriation, and you know what? I’m not ashamed to say that I punched him. He was erasing marginalized histories, which is a form of violence, so my actions were justified.
NN: Quite right, blue-haired one, violence is, in fact, very often the most appropriate course of action. It is a means to an end, no?
SJW: It is, and I’m coming round to your short back and sides. The fact of the matter is, we’re battling from within an oppressive and immoral social structure in order to free ourselves into a better way of life—sometimes physical force is the only option.
NN: Yes, you’re correct. The degenerates who grasp on to power now will be made to submit. Our doctrine is correct, but demands loyalty. Listen, learn, and adhere to the message.
SJW: You’re really speaking my language now. But you know what gets me, is the way that my community is misrepresented by dishonest journalists.
NN: For sure. It’s the libertarian types who are the worst, with their self-serving so-called freedoms.
SJW: They always talk about freedom of speech, but that’s just part of their system. We’re working hard to shut down anyone who challenges our lived experiences.
NN: Oh yes?
SJW: Yes, basically, we intimidate and publicly shame them, defame their reputation, try to get their funding cut, just throw anything at them. They don’t deserve a platform. They’re harmful.
NN: Any violence..?
SJW: Sure, sometimes. And if that all fails, then we’ll appeal to a higher authority—administrators, their employers, the police—anyone who can crack down on them.
NN: They must respect authority.
SJW: They must obey!
NN: All must obey!
SJW: And by controlling the media, the message, the language…
NN: Then we control thought.
SJW: Mwa haha!
NN: Ha ha haa!
SJW: I despise those hate speech peddlers in the media…
NN: The vile Lugenpresse…
SJW: Our philosophy, basically, is that we value safety and inclusion above all else.
NN: Again, you are correct. Security is of paramount importance, and we march together as one. There is no room for selfish urges.
SJW: The needs of the collective take precedence over individual freedoms.
NN: I’m also deeply troubled by the many degenerate works of art in existence.
SJW: Oh, I agree. Actually I’m campaigning at the moment to have several problematic statues and historical portraits destroyed. They simply shouldn’t be allowed to threaten our well-being.
NN: Destroyed? That’s a coincidence, we just burned a huge pile of books last weekend. They were very subversive, you know. Quite unacceptable.
SJW: I understand completely. It’s essential to ensure that no counter-revolutionary art or literature threatens our glorious purpose.
NN: Purity is everything. When you’re on the correct path, it’s vital not to let immorality corrode the movement.
SJW: Exactly, like, why bother debating people if you know they’re wrong?
NN: Precisely. There is nothing to win or lose by participating in such distractions. Simply stop the debate from taking place.
SJW: Shut it down.
NN: SHUT THEM ALL DOWN.
The bus slowed and pulled over.
SJW: Well, this is my stop.
NN: Me too… Are you going on the march?
SJW: Counter march.
NN: Of course.