BY BEN PENSANT
Oh dear, Graham.
What the hell happened?
As Samuel L. Fishbone said to Al Pacino in Jackie Burns before shooting him in the chest: “You used to be beautiful…”. And I don’t just mean beautiful, like Noam Chomsky in a tutu kicking a Zionist’s shin. I mean really beautiful, like an ethically sourced whale-spunk omelette washed down with a shot of Jezza’s bum-sweat.
Your sterling work in social media activism long ago surpassed your comedy output, not least because it is completely devoid of that dangerous commodity that is like kryptonite to the modern left: humour. Indeed, you should be proud that despite penning some of the warmest comedy in British history you’re also one of the most joyless people on Twitter.
Because as your 672,000 devoted followers know all too well, there’s nothing funny about Internet Glinner. From applauding the shooting of Republican Stephen Scalia by tweeting ‘Chickens. Roost. Etc’ to refusing to condemn antisemitic murderers Hamas on the grounds that it is ‘complex’, your commitment to stony-faced idealism is second to none.
You wowed liberal Twitter with your regular dismissals of Brexit and Trump voters as thick racists. You melted regressive hearts after winning an argument with a student by rummaging around his Facebook page and tweeting a photo of his mother. You made leftists swoon with your support for punching Nazis and belief that anyone who disagreed with you was a Nazi too. And no true progressive will ever forget your principled admiration for the socialist paradise of Venezuela. Well, apart from you that is, as you seem to have developed an acute form of amnesia.
Surely your greatest contribution has been your tireless crusade against people saying whatever the hell they like: a particularly selfless venture considering you earn your living saying whatever the hell you like. Your greatest hits include demanding right-wing accounts are banned from Twitter and applauding the Stumpy Monroe libel action against horse-faced racist Katie Hopkirk: a cheeky position to take for someone who has repeatedly accused President Pussy-Grab of raping his wife. Indeed, it’s fortunate your enemies don’t share your enthusiasm for libel, bearing in mind the shit you’ve accused them of.
Which brings us to your hysterical celebration of Scottish super villain Count Dankula’s conviction for gross offensiveness. As you’ll recall, after initially castigating Dankula for making jokes about Nazis, you swiftly realised this didn’t fly as you yourself have written several jokes about Nazis, so instead you adopted the angle favoured by history-loving supply teacher Mike Dooshberry and decided Dankula was an actual National Socialist. Gotcha!
But few could fail to be impressed by the way you and Mike pushed the evidence-free narrative that teaching a dog to do a Hitler salute was not merely a tasteless joke but actually part of a sinister plan to infect gullible minds with Nazism via the powerful medium of cute canines.
Sadly, it seems your narrative has hit a roadblock. Because all your years of service were recently destroyed in one fell swoop when you outed yourself as a filthy TERF. Or to give you your proper name – because some of us care about using correct labels – a Trans Exclusionary Right-Wing ****stick.
I won’t regurgitate the gory details of your transphobic behaviour, but let’s just say if you insist on spreading hate by dead-naming women with penises then don’t act surprised when one of them tweets personal information about you. What the hell did you expect? You think just because you’ve deployed these tactics yourself no-one will use them on you? Please. You might be left-wing but you’re still a white male. You’re practically the definition of fair game, no matter how many Trump supporters you call ‘toilets’.
Worst of all, in getting yourself investigated by the police because of something you said you’ve gained the support of the very alt-right fascists you’ve spent years attacking. I guess the only crumb of comfort we can take is that – like Judy Bindel, Bahar Rastafa, Kate Papasmurthwaite and every other brave progressive nicked, no-platformed, or bitten on the arse by their own ideology – it’s a courtesy you wouldn’t dream of extending to them.
And as for this self-pitiful nonsense: “Once people start censoring views they start thinking they can get away with anything”. Christ. This is no different to the hate speech peddled by the likes of Rod Aldi and Julia Hartley Brexit, the type of brutes who think free speech is under threat and political correctness is a bad thing. Listen up, Graham: political correctness hasn’t ‘gone mad’ – it’s perfectly fine as it is. Stuart Lee said so, and he’s not some thick northern comic: he writes for The Observer and went to Cambridge and everything.
As former Doctor Strange star Paul McGann put it on Twitter: “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince the world that the civic application of human kindness was in fact a vice known as political correctness”. Well said. I for one still marvel at the human kindness displayed by those councils who ignored child abuse because they didn’t want to be accused of racism.
But you were the last famous person off the telly I expected to fall for the alt-right lie that people aren’t free to say what they like. (Despite the fact that they do, everywhere, all the time. Apart from in Saudi Arabia, obvs, but you can blame the West for that). Nobody is being stopped from saying stuff: they’re just being punished afterwards for saying it. Is that so hard to grasp?