BY BEN PENSANT
The greatest weapon in the left’s arsenal is the ability to hold two conflicting opinions at once. It’s a skill dopey right-wingers call ‘cognitive dissonance’ – a fascist concept invented by Hitler and weaponized by trolls to smear the type of people who abhor misogyny, homophobia and antisemitism but defend the planet’s most misogynist, homophobic and antisemitic religion. So us Lefties can condemn Western governments for oppressing and murdering their own people while simultaneously lauding communist regimes that oppress and murder their own people.
We can rage against toxic masculinity while demanding men are allowed to compete in women’s sports, enter women’s changing rooms, and be locked up in women’s prisons because they like wearing Betty Boop knickers. We won’t hold The Guardian responsible for the next jihadist attack because of all the pieces the paper has published supporting the right to Islamic extremism. When Antifa decide to violently shut down another college talk or attack innocent people with bike locks we won’t blame the BBC or CNN for all the gushing coverage they’ve given to the black-masked anti-fascist warriors. Should another Remainer be provoked into murdering his Leave-voting neighbour, the last thing we’ll do is tell the Editor of The New European he has blood on his hands for calling 17.4 million people ‘idiots’ and printing wacky cartoons about punching Brexiteers.
Thankfully there are plenty of voices on the left who refuse to be marginalised by the alt-right establishment. Loyal Jezzabels have spent the last few years ogling their favourite socialist utopia like a catholic priest sizing-up a scout hut while the Venezuelan economic powerhouse they were giving the sex-eye in 2013 transformed into a penniless basket case whose only growth industry is cannibalism. We comrades are long-term admirers of a corrupt authoritarian regime whose leaders oppressed and impoverished their own people while living in mansions and counting their billions. It is admirable how Jezza, Seamus and co. ignored news reports of destitute Venezuelans forced to eat their own pets.
The passion with which us principled leftists refer to the Saudis as ‘head-choppers’ is nicely contrasted with the way we scream ‘Islamophobia!’ if anyone calls the Palestinian Authority ‘Jew-killers’, the Supreme Leaders of Iran ‘gay-hangers’, or the Pakistani Government ‘women-who-drink-from-the-wrong-cup-imprisoners’.
We all admire with great fondness the genial, open-minded manner in which George ‘Georgie’ Galloway discusses Israel and Palestine in the UK media, which contrasts sharply with the vein-bursting hellfire he spews on Press TV, helpfully complimented with an endearingly crap Arab accent just in case anyone mistakes him for Gordon Brown and shoots him. (By the way Gorgeous, can I just say how impressed I am with your new tanning and Botox regimes, which appear to have turned your head into a bust of Genghis Khan fashioned from old ladies’ sunburnt tits.)
Dr Victoria Batshit has spent this week spreading her anti-Brexit message by tearing through lecture halls and TV studios. Granted, no-one knows what that anti-Brexit message actually is as they’re too busy talking about her fanny. But still, she’s pleased all the right people on Twitter which as we know is much more important than actually having a point. Naturally, Dr Victoria received way more support from us lefties for making a political statement by wearing no clothes than the Formula One Grid Girls did for earning a living by wearing slightly skimpy ones.
We are NOT hypocrites. Our word is golden. A mxn or womxn without their word is nothing.