BY BEN PENSANT
Society is damaged by the insidious trend for fake people. Take Titania MacGrath, the pretend-leftist who melted fascist hearts with her recently published manifesto, Woke: A Guide To Crypto Fascism, the most offensively unfunny book I’ve never read and have no intention of reading. In fact, it was so dreadful I might not read it again just in case I missed something when I didn’t read it the first time.
‘Tits’ is the creation of Andrew Doylem: blue comedian, failed academic, and regular contributor to fascist fanzine Brietbart. Vile Andrew also subscribes to the cult of libertarianism, which basically means he’s a Nazi who doesn’t like crowds. Titania – a cheap caricature of educated progressives who dislike racism, homophobia, and women with fannies – was invented last year, becoming an instant hit with middle-aged gammons upset that they’re not allowed to call people ‘wogs’ anymore.
Doylem is ably assisted by a grubby gaggle of co-conspirators, including foul-mouthed troll Lisa Gravy, a crap graffiti ‘artist’ who thinks because she once had a touch of cancer she has the right to take the piss out of left-wing people who talk rubbish. As trustworthy as a black Tory and twice as hateful, it’s debatable whether Gravy even had the disease at all. Inventing ailments to illicit sympathy is a tried and tested fascist tactic. You think Hitler really only had one knacker? That she’s also the brains behind sad male feminist ‘spoof’ Godfrey Elphick tells you all you need to know about the internalised misogyny of this yo-yo knickered slut.
Both Andrew and Linda are bum chums with fictional newsreader Jonathan Pile, the red-faced reactionary who spent last year pissing away all the goodwill he amassed after enthusiastically endorsing Jezza’s successful election campaign. (What is it with Tory bigots pretending to be leftists? Jealous much?) He achieved this by taking the far-right dollar, trashing the Gender Pay Gap, and defending everyone from dog-fiddling Jew-hater Count Dickula to Hollywood killer Liam Nielsen.
Luckily, some sane voices were brave enough to cut through the brown-nosing. The New Statesmxn‘s Mollie Goodfella took the original step of attacking Doylem for being a white man, reclaiming Titania’s intersectional worldview, throwing it back in her creator’s face – and sticking two fingers up at the trolls who suggested fixating on Andrew’s penis and pigmentation kind of proves his point. Mollie had the last laugh though, hilariously detailing plans to write her own comedy character, “an older white man obsessed with youth views”, who complains about having his voice stifled despite regularly appearing on TV and spends his days “taking supper with Nigel Farage and golfing with Andrew Neil”.
Ha! Like all good liberals, Molly showed how in touch with The Kids she is by misrepresenting Doylem and his fans as ageing conservatives, cleverly ignoring the fact that most of his fans are fairly young and left leaning. But she saved her deepest cut for last, highlighting the crucial difference between a hypothetical character she hasn’t invented yet and one with a hugely popular book enjoyed by sane people yet to be seduced by the kind of intersectional horseshit only people who pen joyless columns in left-wing media give two fucks about: “Unlike Titania, he will be funny”. Ouch!
(I must confess a personal beef here. I’ve often been accused of being a made-up person, mainly by dumb Tories but occasionally well-meaning leftists shocked that anyone could be as consistently right about everything as me. Luckily, these suspicions are regularly batted away by my loyal army of 17 fans. But the fact that not-real-Titania is cleverer, prettier and way more popular than definitely-real-me just shows how lucrative bigotry is.)
This is comedy in 2019: right-wing hatemongers pretending to be nice people for clicks and bigoted funnymen believing they can say whatever they like in the name of ‘bants’. It’s this squalid situation that has emboldened the likes of Doylem to air their filth nationwide as if they lived in some kind of free country.
Luckily, there is a small but burgeoning group of decent British joke tellers – i.e. left-wing ones – who point-blank refuse to be marginalised. And make no mistake, marginalised is exactly what lefty comedians are: feeding off scraps and struggling to get their voices heard when the only available platform is every single panel show on television.
Now and then why not forego that spat and go looking for someone with progressive values who you can do something nice for? Y’know, like what kind, gentle people do. Should that happen, you could do a lot worse than follow pro-Corbyn activist Rachael Swinton. Her Twitter page is a goldmine of leftist talking points and she’s always on the lookout for followers willing to donate money to pay for her daughter’s new EXbox. Or why not take a look at the Harry Lewis Smith account, lovingly maintained by Harry’s son since his father’s death at the age of 125, and contribute a few quid to help the trailblazing veteran transmit his message of hope from beyond the grave? Better still, check out professional dinner lady/antiquarian/Antifa PR guru Mike Stookberry and pledge some cash so his beautiful family can eat this month. Mike has been collecting donations from kind, gullible strangers for some time now, most of which have gone towards feeding his children, buying fresh bike locks, and funding his vital work doing dead important history stuff. Indeed, only last summer a desperate Stook was left with no option but to ask for financial help to save his wife and kids from starvation. Cut to four months later and Mike was jetting around Austria visiting all manner of old buildings and fancy cake shops, his impending penury forgotten thanks to kind-hearted leftists off the internet who’ll gladly give readies to any old John, Mike or Harry just as long as they love Jezza and hate the Tories. Here’s hoping Swinton, Smith and The Stook team up for an extensive tour of Europe’s historical sites. I’d recommend the ancient Greek ruins as a good place to start, as all three are clearly huge fans of the Golden Fleece.
That these three lions have carved out lucrative careers grifting in the name of social justice just shows what can be achieved when actual people discuss actual problems instead of debating fascist fakes.
The game’s up, Tits McGhee.
Further Ben Pensant material can be found here.