BY FRANK HAVILAND
It’s in the blood of any decent charlatan to solve problems that don’t exist, rather than face the full horror of their in-tray. Sadiq Khan (no stranger to blood) wants to outlaw misogyny – wolf-whistling you understand, not FGM, Sharia courts or segregation. Health Secretary Sajid Javid wants blood donations to be more inclusive (because worrying about HIV is just silly). Keir Starmer meanwhile, is prepared to ‘sweat blood to win voters’ respect’ just as soon as he’s finished playing hunt the cervix.
When it comes to non-issues, my personal preference remains the LGBTQwerty attack, aka ‘the world is not gay enough’ (and if that’s not the title of the next James Bond film, there’s no justice in this world). Indeed the ostensive lack of gayness is a conundrum worth pondering as you mince across London’s permanent gay crossings, sip your Starbuck’s gay coffee, or get run over by the Old Bill, too focused on painting their nails in their gay ‘hate crime cars’.
LGBTQwerty is the first port of call for MPs wishing to upgrade their victim status. Bisexuality is so inconsequential to Tory Dehenna Davison, she just had to tell the national newspapers about it. Kim Leadbetter barely scraped over the line in Batley and Spen earlier this year, despite having her sister murdered. It may well be the LGBT tick on the checkbox that secured her the razor-thin 323 majority. And as for Layla Moran’s ‘pansexuality’, just don’t let her anywhere near your kitchen!
LGBTQwerty is also the fashionable choice for middle-class mothers who fear little Johnny isn’t getting the attention he deserves. I’m old enough to remember the days when this merely involved the designation of ADHD and/or an eating disorder. Now little Johnny has become little Jane; thrust into a dress, and having his John Thomas removed for good measure.
The media meanwhile seem terrified we might get rabid ideas of heterosexuality if gayness isn’t rammed down our throats 24/7. Just as well then, gays are vastly over-represented on television (12% compared to just 6% of the population who identify as such). And don’t worry, those numbers are only going to increase.
Fictional characters too are keen to jump aboard the gay bandwagon. Father Christmas, Captain America, and Batman’s Robin have long since been taking one for the team, as apparently has JK Rowling’s Dumbledore – although it’s unclear whether this was merely a belated attempt to bolster her dwindling woke credentials.
However the best part of gayness is that it affords limitless assault on the Left’s favourite target: masculinity. No surprise there then, that the ultimate trick in the woke grimoire is turning icons of masculinity into fairies – poof, and you’re there!
With Rock Hudson jumping before he was pushed, it was only a matter of time for the Man of Steel – yes, Superman has finally come out of the closet (bisexual of course, because that’s more inclusive). It had to be Superman, the last bastion of toxic masculinity. Superhuman strength, invulnerability, and the power to x-ray Lois Lane’s knickers is clearly something the Left couldn’t let go indefinitely – which is perhaps why the son of Kal-El indulges in a kiss with his best friend, (and refugee, obvs) ‘Jay’.
As the series’ writer Tom Taylor explains, Jonathan Kent – the latest incarnation of Superman – needs to ‘have new fights’ and ‘real world problems’: problems like climate change, the deportation of refugees, as well as suffering from ‘mental and physical burn out’. As a boy, I always secretly wanted Gene Hackman’s Lex Luther to defeat Superman. Now I know why.
Perhaps a bisexual Superman will prove Kryptonite to conservatives in the culture war, but then again, perhaps not. The problem the woke have is in making everything gay they’ve diluted its potency. And indeed, the incessant need to find evermore complex orders of victimhood can only lead them full-circle.
The LGBTQwerty keyboard will eventually run out of letters and it may dawn on Marvel in a few decades time, that their next superhero will have to be (dare I say it), a white, heterosexual male: Captain Marks & Spencers, if you will.
In the meantime, our new Superman is going to need a new slogan:
Truth, Justice and the American gay?