BY DANIEL JUPP
You may have noticed that Jacinda Ardern has announced she is stepping down as Prime Minister of New Zealand.
“It’s time. I have given so much of myself and I can give no more. In recent months colleagues have been distracted by my Radiant Kindness, which has grown ever more powerful during my time in office. I give off a glow, you see, that blinds people. This has caused innumerable minor accidents in the workplace. Last week a minister of education was so blinded by my aura of liberal holiness that ze stepped out of a fourth floor window, thinking it was the door to the trans welcoming toilets next to my office.
Such incidents of course only cause my Radiant Kindness to throb and glow more powerfully, as my bleeding heart is overwhelmed with levels of Sympathetic Empathy no mere mortal was built to sustain. There have been other issues related to me being the best human being who has ever lived, and I say this whilst weeping at the thought of my astonishing goodness and how lucky New Zealand, and indeed the entire universe, has been to know me.
In recent weeks it has also grown increasingly difficult to disguise my powerful angelic wings beneath designer clothing that costs thousands of pounds, or even beneath the lovely dress up costumes that tell everyone how wonderful brown people are. Some of my critics have cruelly suggested that I have been developing a hunchback, as if fate would allow my inner perfection to be masked by the trivial flaws of lesser beings. Naturally I wept at these hurtful rumours, not for myself, but for a world in which such misogyny still exists. When I weep it is always for others and never for myself, and I have in fact for the last three years been donating my tears to a Sub Saharan African tribe who don’t possess an artesian well or any clean drinking water.
Other people have applied the word ‘retire’ to my resignation, but I prefer to think of it as ‘ascension’. I am unfurling my wings. No longer can my Goodness be restrained by a 3pm meeting with the Australian Cheese Board discussing lifting a 4% trade tariff. I am no longer merely ‘Prime Minister’. I am simply Alpha, Omega, Prime, or Meta, The Truth or The One, with the name to be confirmed after intensive polling. I will return to my hobbies, and I was delighted to be informed that I still have a life partner who is a fully functioning human male. I will still, being as ever overflowing with Radiant Kindness, do the Good Things that matter most, like locking people in their homes, separating families, and promoting Pfizer for Bill Gates. It is important that we all, even as private citizens, make intolerable demands on others in the name of Safety and Kindness.
I will also be forming a Holy Kindness Death Squadron, and intend to travel the world, brutally murdering imaginary Nazis. This is my way of Giving More, even when I have Given More than anyone else who has ever lived.”
Daniel Jupp is the author of A Gift for Treason: The Cultural Marxist Assault on Western Civilisation, which was published in 2019. He has had previous articles published by Spiked, The Spectator and Politicalite, and is a married father of two from Essex.