City Life is Far Superior

BY NICK PEARCE

What would we do without the BBC every now and again underlining the superiority of urban living? Or The Guardian simultaneously asking scary questions in headlines like, “the British countryside is being killed by herbicides and insecticides – can anything save it?”

The BBC lets us know that “City residents tend to suffer from higher levels of asthmaallergies and depression. But that’s OK…. “they also tend to be less obese, at a lower risk of suicide and are less likely to get killed in an accident. They lead happier lives as seniors and live longer in general.” Wow …. close escape ….. for those thinking of escaping to the country.

Meanwhile dear old Kevin Rushby over at The Guardian tells us that “the statistics for the British countryside are heartbreaking. Over a quarter of all British birds are under threat, eight species are almost extinct. Three-quarters of all flying insects have disappeared since 1945, including a staggering 60 different moths. Orchid ranges have shrunk by half; two species are gone. The State of Nature 2016 report described Britain as being “among the most nature-depleted countries in the world”. The countryside is a no-go zone, let’s face it….. so stay well clear, folks.

Based on those two shockers of recent tales in the media who the hell would dare venture into the countryside for a day trip let alone live in the countryside? Urbanites should surely sell their holiday homes, flog their caravans on Gumtree, take more delightful foxes into their cities and continue to dismiss countryside dwellers as thick, inbred oiks who dared vote for Brexit.

If it wasn’t for these great institutions of media (the BBC and the Guardian are illumination personified) their trustworthy stance on fake news and their regular fearful reminders, the countryside would be replete with snowflakes, scooter gangs and social studies students, screaming about diversity, as our flora and fauna wither on the vine.

Thank you The Guardian and the BBC. Although your insane symbiosis will end shortly, without your regular attacks on the countryside us inhabitants of rural Britain would be far worse off and far more unhappy. Maybe we too would have to turn to antidepressants in droves, whine and moan all the time and be so up our own backsides as to bring ourselves to vote for countryside-hating Labour.

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