Gender Wars: Penguin Edition

BY FRANK HAVILAND

Of all the pandemics the world has faced, equality may be the most dangerous. Not egalitarian principles or equal rights (which I fully support), but enforced equality: the notion that people must be equal. In the post-truth age, facts are only relative to the sympathy you can garner pretending to be offended by them; truth is out, social constructs are in.

Intelligence we’re told does not exist – a curious position which would render private schools redundant, except for ‘socialist’ politicians who insist their children attend. Race means nothing either, until you’re organising a stabathon in London, and Justin Trudeau has forgotten his makeup box. Women meanwhile are now so equal to men, they only need 10 bonus percentile points to make it into engineering college.

Of all the realities the left intends to destroy, gender is the Holy Grail. As political battles go, it’s going to be fascinating watching this one play out, because it’s a must-win for both sides. For the left, gender represents a rare unconquered territory: incontrovertible biology. If they can force the laws of nature itself to bend to the progressive narrative, the game is won.

For the right, it’s quite simply the last stand. Having conceded everything to the petulant whinging of the opposition, there isn’t much left to defend. Anyone who believes in free speech is now a ‘Nazi’. Anyone vaguely concerned about mass immigration a ‘racist’. Anyone who voted for Brexit is (naturally) both.

As hills to die on go gender is putting up a good fight, which explains the left’s current blitzkrieg. At school our children are now forced into the same uniforms, forced to play Genital Top Trumps in the same bathrooms, and coerced to gender transition at sufficient rates to justify a Blue Peter badge.

In fiction, anything vaguely masculine must be destroyed. James Bond has transitioned from black-to-female-to-transgender in the space of about 6 months – you’d deserve a few vodka martinis for that. Father Christmas has had a gay makeover, while Fireman Sam has had his hose removed (one suspects non-consensually).

Sam Smith (hose doubtless intact) has shunned the celebrity fad of adopting a third world orphan, opting instead to ‘come out’ as non-binary. One time Jack-the-lad Prince Harry, presumably having been emasculated without anaesthetic, has acceded to his wife’s demands that son Archie be raised gender-neutral – God I miss his Nazi days!

It’s still not enough.

So, to rub our noses in it further, the left have decided to prove that animals are gender-neutral too. They mysteriously didn’t pick bull elephant seals for their sample: a species so sexually dimorphic that males are ten times the size of the females, and are rumoured to leave the toilet seat up as a matter of principle.

Nope, they opted for Gentoo penguins, no doubt for their lexicographic proximity to #MeToo – if we can’t get them on gender-neutrality, at least we can blame Harvey Weinstein.

The charade takes place at London’s Sea Life Aquarium, where a 4-month-old chick (as yet unnamed) is to be raised gender-neutral by a female gay couple, Rocky and Marama. As though the chick hasn’t suffered enough, the staff decided to humiliate it further with a purple tag.

A few questions we might wish to ask: exactly how gay are this couple? Do they smoke meerschaums or have a penchant for ABBA?  What if the chick didn’t want to sign up to progressive liberalism? What if they’ve chosen the John Wayne or Bridget Bardot of Gentoos, now forever destined to be a social outcast, because it doesn’t know what to do with its cloaca anymore?

To gauge the mental gymnastics involved here, have a listen to Aquarist Charlotte Barcas who explains the rationale:

Confusing the issue further is general manager of Sea Life, Graham Mcgrath:

Gender-neutrality in humans has only recently become a widespread topic of conversation, however, it is completely natural for penguins to develop genderless identities as they grow into mature adults.

In other words, gender matters upon maturity. Like humans, penguins display gender differences in mate selection. Females select mates based on the resources they can provide – in the case of Gentoos that means males who can identify a good nesting site, and successfully defend it.

This was the first time we had successfully adopted a chick onto a same-sex couple and to mark the parenting achievements of Rocky and Marama in helping to develop the chick into a happy and healthy penguin.

If it’s true that Gentoo penguins are gender-neutral, and are quite happy being gay, then why the hysteria? Why would you celebrate something which must surely happen every day in the wild?

Incidentally, Gentoos are the only penguin species in the Antarctic Peninsula expanding both in numbers and in distribution – which suggests, however gay and gender-neutral they are, they’re straight enough not to go out of business.

The best line comes at the end, when Sea Life concedes that the penguin may later be incorporated into the aquarium’s breeding program ‘depending on the gender its biology determines’. So gender is a social construct, apart from biological differences.

No matter how many celebrities coo about being gender-neutral, how many fictional characters are rewritten, and however many penguins the left abuses, gender will remain biologically determined. I suspect the poor little Gentoo in question however, may need a lifetime’s worth of psychiatric therapy.