Greta

BY BEN PENSANT

There are many things to admire about pint-sized Eco-warrior Greta Funbag, such as her courage, intellect, shiny locks, and cute-as-a-button nose. She has a finger-wagging demeanour which is beautifully complimented by a cold stare so piercing it could make an organic onion cry.

However, Greta’s two most impressive features have little to do with pigtails or principles. In fact they have little to do with Greta at all, as they exist purely to gift middle-class liberals a cast-iron reason to pretend environmentalism is the most important political movement of 2019 and anyone who disagrees is a cross between David Ike and Norman ‘Ripper’ Stebson. Because as we all know, the two bestest things about Greta are the fact that she’s a) 16 and b) a disabled. And not just any old disabled, but a mental one. Perfect cover!

At least it is for now…

The older Greta gets the harder it is to suggest that criticising her is akin to punching a toddler, which should make us all the more grateful that her incurable autism will probably afflict her for the rest of her life. Phew.

Times change fast and one day her PR team may have to take steps to remain relevant by upgrading her disability and buying her a hearing aid or wheelchair, although that’s not as guaranteed to boost her victim cred as losing an eye or a leg. In the meantime, the fact that she’s still a child – and a weirdo to boot – is more than enough for left-wing radicals and salivating media figures determined to make her the public face of a movement more interested in promoting pie-in-the-sky socialism than saving the planet.

Because putting Greta up front and centre has nothing to do with giving a voice to disaffected youth. The entire purpose of her elevation is to ringfence Climate Change activists from criticism. And it’s part of a long noble tradition that existed long before Ms. Funbag became the poster girl for vacuous green platitudes. Indeed, critics of environmental alarmism have been getting shut down and labelled right-wing shills or gas-guzzling lunatics since at least 10 years BG (Before Greta).

Children provide a perfect excuse for liberals to indulge their favourite subject: The Future. Because whether it’s post-Brexit Britain, post-apocalypse earth, or post-Handmaiden’s Tale America, progressives never tire of issuing warnings about stuff that hasn’t happened and probably never will. And why not? It’s far easier than addressing what is or isn’t happening now. Why run the risk of looking silly when it’s revealed that the modern western world is nowhere near as hellish as we want it to be? An awful future is way more politically useful than a fairly okay present.

It’s Greta’s selflessness that has elevated her to star status. And the way her people have thrust her into a limelight she seems woefully unprepared for – without considering the potential mental health implications – amply demonstrates their deep love for this wonderful child. Because what happens to Greta when she’s older is unimportant. All that matters is what’s happening to her – and who she’s helping – now.

The future of the planet – and more importantly, the future of left-wing activism – will always trump the future of a disabled teenager after all.

Further Ben Pensant material can be found here.